Seeing the good in life

Hi

I’ve not written in some time, not because I’ve lacked inspiration, or lacked time, and especially not because I’ve not had the need to vent (it is *still* an essential element of my life). I’ve not written because I’ve been giving life, my life, some thought… I’ve always had these mini crises where I question everything all over again. A friend recently said that libras were notorious for being in an unstable balance (un équilibre instable). Perhaps questioning everything on a regular basis reaffirms my belief or believes in my choices in life, or better yet, they might orient me towards a direction that I might not have considered.

In any case… I seem to be rambling without really going forward in my writing. I guess, I just wanted to say, that sometimes, I tended to lose myself and forget the very same principles that I am preaching (to others and myself) : live your life, enjoy what you have, and just be. Somewhere between going to work, getting home, and I guess getting got in the rat race, I’d forgotten these very same principles. I am not sure how or why, but I noticed myself sinking into a melancholy, a sort of blues, beleaguered by an unexplainable dark cloud looming over me.

Frankly, when one stops and thinks over about one’s life, it is in my humble opinion, important to be aware of the little things that make our lives the way it is. The gentle touch of a loved one, the unexpected gift, the warm embrace when one is in need of comfort, remembering how you take your coffee, the squeeze when you expect it the least, the door being opened to you, a quiet afternoon watching a good movie, a great conversation that will lead you strictly nowhere, a book that will freshen up your perspective on life, waking up with the knowledge that the only thing you have to do is go to the beach .

There are really loads and loads of things that make our life good. All I’m saying is that we should not forget about them and learn to enjoy them.

This and that... General ramblings

My past week was quite ... interesting. I definitely did not feel the time go by at all... The week ended and all that remained was a feeling of satisfaction and beatitude. A lot got done.

My cat seems to have pulled through whatever was going on. I brought her home this past saturday and she seems to be stable. Not eating a lot, but at least, she's drinking water and moving around.

Finally got to go to the beach this sunday and disconnect with the world. I went to a beach around the area of Bizerte, and on the way home, had 2 excellent fricassés. It definitely hit the spot, and the beach/fricassé were much needed and it certainly helped get me started for the week. Monday for once, was bearable.

I took advantage of a cancelled appointment to sleep on saturday... I slept like there was no tomorrow. I finally recuperated and recharged my batteries.

Mosquitoes seem to have found in my body an intense source of happiness as the creatures have been coming to me every night now. I have over 2 dozen bite marks and it's getting to a point where it's intolerable... I don't want to have to shut down the window and have AC... I am checking all kinds of websites to see what I need to do in order not to be under attack... So far, nothing really great that I can do naturally (the solution of tobacco is not an option). If you guys have any ideas, please do share...

Otherwise, am reading a lot these days, but nothing of great literary value. It's all part of the summer/beach reading.

Dealing with death

I've not had to "worry" about death for quite some time. Two of my grandparents passed away when I was 5, and another when I was 10... Which means it's been over twenty years that I've not had someone I love or close to me or whatever pass away. I know that human and animal life do not compare... But I also believe in feeling close, whether to a person or a creature. This week, I'm having to deal with the eventuality of my cat's death.

I don't really want to think about it, but a part of me is not sure that Toutou is going to pull through. She's not been eating, not moving, not drinking, not anything. This is totally unlike her, because, despite her age (10.5 years), she comes to the door every single time I come in. She hangs out with me wherever I am at home, waits for me to get out of the shower, etc... I've had her for 9 years. I say without shame, that I love that cat.

She's been "hospitalized" for the past couple of days, and she's not doing well... The vet said that I should start thinking about what to do if she does not improve by tomorrow (saturday). I don't want to think about it. I know we all die. I know it's just a cat. I know all that. But... But the part of me that is rational is not strong enough on this particular issue.

Communication breakdown

This week at work, I've been surrounded by power struggles, back-stabbing, rumours, and all kinds of unhealthy settings. It's *unbelievable*. Personally, the whole "rat race" is not my thing. I strive to do my job well, I want to succeed, but I know my limits. I know that there are things I will never do and I know that I will not sabotage someone just to move forward. It's just not in my nature.

I just cannot for the life of me understand some people who have gone up the ladder, one way or another, and are perpetually anxious : they make the people who work for them miserable just to feel that they have power over them; they do not communicate with the rest of the team, they are constantly in meetings and demand to be cc-ed on everything...

Bad management is really a horrible thing. It just demoralizes everyone around and is so very counter productive. When you step back and look at the situation, you realize that people have not grown up, that they are still children, in a school yard, fighting over who has the most marbles and the most friends. It's so childish and so totally irrational... I've tried to explain this, to understand it, but really there's no point.

People forget the importance of communicating, of talking, of sharing ideas, of listening. They forget that by communicating, we move forward, we help one another, and we better understand the needs of everyone....

I shall leave you with the following quote :

"The crucial role of language in human evolution was not the ability to exchange ideas, but the increased ability to cooperate" - Fritjof Capra

Obligations sociales

Samedi dernier, en compagnie de ma très chère Houta, en sirotant une boisson bien fraiche, une conversation bien interessante eut lieu (du moins, on a commencé, mais elle a été interrompue). On avait commencé à parler du concept d'obligations sociales, de choses qu'on devait faire parce que "c'était la chose à faire". En Tunisie, il y a beaucoup de situations où on se sent obligé de faire x pour faire plaisir à ses parents, à son conjoint, à ses beaux parents, etc...

Parfois, ce concept (makkhidht khater as we call it) est bien parce que nous vivons dans une société qui n'est pas (encore) individualiste. On a besoin parfois de mettre un peu à l'écart nos sentiments pour le bien du "groupe". Nous tenons compte des sentiments des autres. Nous faisons des efforts pour que le futur beau fils de notre oncle ne se sente pas exclut, nous allons visiter, nous sortons, nous visitons, nous parlons, etc. etc...

Mais .... parfois, il y a quelqu'un qui est dans l'obligation de faire plaisir aux autres, sans que toutefois que les autres réciproquent. En fait, ce n'est même pas une question de donner sans recevoir. C'est vraiment le fait de donner parce qu'on "doit", de faire quelque chose à contre coeur, et être dans une situation inconfortable contre son grés. C'est pour tout cela que je dis : f*ck 'em. Rien ni personne ne devrait m'obliger à un age adulte et avancé de faire qq chose contre mon gré simplement parce que c'est "comme ça".

Ce n'est certainement pas facile par moments, parce que clairement on irait contré le courant... Et alors? Telle est la vie... Et si on ne veut pas finir comme copie conforme aux 10 millions de tunisiens, il faut avoir la peau dure et tenir tête. Like I said, ce n'est pas facile de se comporter comme on veut vraiment, et s'habiller comme on veut, et en fin de compte, vivre ou être comme on veut. Mais il faut aussi réaliser que nous n'avons qu'une vie, qu'elle est courte et instable, et surtout qu'elle peut prendre fin à tout moment.

Pour reprendre les mots de Renton (Trainspotting) : Choose life.

On why I hate pedestrians in Tunisia

This post has been brewing in my head for quite some time... I've been trying to find some sort of logic, some sort of explanation, something, anything to start explaining the behavior of pedestrians in Tunisia, but I just can't...

I cannot for the life of me understand why people would walk on the road, when you have a sidewalk. I cannot understand why people cross the road when there are cars coming their way... And they're not even running! They're just taking their sweet time crossing the street while cars are going 90km an hour. I just don't get it. I don't get why people choose not to use the pedestrian cross way on top of the highway, a thing specifically created to avoid accidents and save lives. And why would you walk on the street, at night, when there are no street lights, and dressed in black?

Do these people have a death wish? I suppose they are suicidal? Are they just plain stupid? What is it that can explain such a behavior? I really don't know. All I know is that I am terrified of hitting someone. It's always something on my mind when I drive, especially at night. I have tendencies to drive fast, and I am very careful with my peaks of speed, but that stupid f*cker who might just decide to cross when I switched to the 5th gear on the highway, is always on my mind.

Venting over for now.

Wondering about sexuality

I was wondering recently about what makes a person more sexual than another. What is it that makes a person appreciate intercourse, touching, being touched, kissing, being kissed, being teased, teasing, and all the other things we do? Is it something innate? Are we born that way? Do we learn to appreciate some things with time? Does it have to do with the number of people we've been with and what they've "taught" us?

What makes it that you want to just... touch someone? or be near them? Is it pheromones, hormones, or something else? Do we behave differently depending on who we are? Or do we behave consistently no matter who we are with? Can some people turn you on differently than others? And why is that?

I guess this series of questions, wonderings, is coming to me due to the heat that we are enduring, and the newly forming couples around :)

Your thoughts are very welcome...

The need to define or not

I suppose life is easier when you know what you are doing. If you're just throwing yourself (so to say) into something without knowing the potential outcome, you might feel uncomfortable.

Often we define situations, relationships, work tasks, etc... in order to not only know what to expect and what to do, but also to know the "scope" of what is/is not allowed. I find it that however, sometimes, one does not need to know.

Clearly I wonder about my behavior sometimes. I wonder about some choices and what pushed me to just go ahead and do something. But these thoughts never linger too long because when one knows that there is a finality to something, it's better to live day by day and enjoy the moment.

So... Defining is all good and well to know where you are heading, but allow yourself sometimes some "craziness" and just be...

Carpe diem.

Ouf

For whatever reason, my mood has been great. I don't know if it's weather, the air pressure, my hormones under control, the good sleep, or the fact that work is moving along nicely... I don't know. I just feel good.
One thing for sure is that the sunny warm weather is definitely helping, and the trainspotting soundtrack (1 and 2).
So that's that. I'm back into a better mood, a jojo that is more empowered, stronger, and freeer.

Life these past couple of days has been just moving along, with nothing out of the ordinary happening... Work, life, its troubles and joys, friends, aïkido, parents, kids, loving and being loved, crazy suicidal pedestrians, funny coworkers, and interesting reading (Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk) have been going on.

No particular life ranting or venting needed. I guess I'm zen these days.

It's weird. Lately I realized that I was experiencing many feelings in very short time frames. It's as if I were moody, and it's not usually the case for me.

I'm going through love, hate, guilt, compassion, and many others... I don't know why, I don'tknow why I feel bothered. There's nothing specific, and all is going well right now, be it personally or professionally. I'd like to better understand this mood and just aim at resolving it. It could be my regular existencial mini-crisis that I get twice a year... It could be just me trying to know where I am and try to better visualize where I am going.

But I don't really need to know. I just ... I don't know. I just feel restless.

wondering about passion

How is passion triggered and what makes it go away? Is it possible to keep the flame burning forever and ever?
I'm referring to either passion in a couple, or passion for a particular thing (a hobby for example). Is passion simply the result of curiosity for a new thing? The thirst and curiosity to discover something new?
How can we hold on to that feeling?

More on mood...

My writing has been sporadic these past couple of weeks. I’ve been here and there and spending a lot of time in the air… It might seem like I’m bitching about this, but I’m not. I’ve been given a superb and fantastic opportunity, and I’m doing my best to prove that I deserve the chance I’ve been given… But I do have to admit that I am a bit tired. I realized something today about my mood. I actually very much dislike being by myself. I hate it in fact. I hate sleeping alone. I hate eating alone. It’s weird because I seem to get more sentimental, or it’s actually more the fact that some feelings just come out because of the distance. Anyway… I guess I had thought I could be more by myself, but I can’t… at last, not for a long time. Thank God for comedy central…

Mood

Today's mood is rather dark.
I am feeling a bit drained.
There are things that I'd like to do and have not figured out how to do them, yet.
The music "Sur Le Fil" by Yann Tiersen captures my state of mind rather well.
I am in dire need of a hug.

Image

I've just finished re-reading "Immortalité" by Kundera. It's a book that can't be easily described. Kundera in this "novel" talks about the self, the body, the concept of immortality, etc... It's very rich and as usual, the author gets into the book and talks directly to the reader... At one point, Kundera talks about the concept of the image, of how we perceive ourselves, and especially, how others perceive us... How our image actually does matter, and how those who think it does not, are, well, insane.

My finishing of the book comes at a time where I've been having lots of discussion with friends about "image". My view is that if we always obeyed the rules of society, we would actually never go anywhere. I am not advocating chaos or anarchy, but I am saying that one should be able to do what one wants to do, provided one can deal with the consequences. I know I dress a bit weirdly sometimes, that I have bizarre looking shoes, and apparently a "hippyish" style. I was not conscious of it until I came back to Tunisia. True, I tend to favor colors and loose fitting clothes. True also, that I favor comfortable shoes over stylish ones. Very true that I have flowers and weird patterns on my clothes. But that is my style, and frankly, I like it. It might be a bit off, but really, I don't care. The style is mine, and people have gotten used to it. They've come to realize that it fits my personality, and they've come to accept it. Once in a while I get something or another, but that's ok. I know how to deal with it.

Our social image however does not stop at how we dress. It goes further. It's who you have lunch with, who you have coffee breaks with, where you go out at night, who do you have a drink with, do you have a drink (as a female) alone with colleagues, what kind of car you drive, etc. etc... The list goes on. But then again, you know the list, you know what I mean.

I was also told over a beer the other night that I did not live in a vacuum and that I had to be conscious of the choices I made. I don't know about that. I don't know either when this shift occurred for me.... meaning, I've realized that nudity does not bother me. It's just a body, it's just boobs, what's the big deal? I wondered also about the movement in France whereby overnight women decided to sunbathe topless. How did that happen? How did the rules change? What gave the first woman courage to take off her top? And what made the others follow?

I know there are limits to what one can do. At least, somewhere in my head, I figure that there should be limits, but I am not sure why. I figure, who cares what I wear? I am talking about the everyday stuff, not the professional uniform (because yes, a suit IS a uniform). Who cares about my piercings or my tattoos? I've gotten a 2nd one sometime ago, and when people ask me to show it, I do. I don't feel ashamed or uneasy about it. I know that many think it an aberration, others too big, too loud, too weird, too... whatever. It is what it is. Just like my clothes. They are what they are. My own personal style. I know that those who take the time to know me would understand it... For the rest... well...

To get back to Kundera, how insane is the person that does not care? And so what if they are?

Overflow

I've been sleeping really like crap for the past couple of weeks, and it's not just jet lag, or fatigue. I think I have a lot of different things on my mind, and I just can't seem (this time) to filter efficiently... I can't seem to empty my head... I need to force myself to focus on anything I do, meaning, if I don't concentrate, I will do or say something wrong.

As such, I've not been really inspired. A friend suggested I talk about the difficulties of deciding whether one should get married or not. Another wanted to know my thoughts on money and capitalism... Still brewing in my head... I hope to produce something soon...

Anyways, that's it for me. For now.

That damned regret

Some time ago, when I still was a student, I got an article published on the concept of regret. In it I said (more or less) that regret was reserved for those who do not think properly about the things that they want to do.

Basically, I have a rather simple way to view things.... This "concept" of life was developed with time, and it is of course, still a work in progress. I do believe that if you are in a situation and you have to decide on your course of action, your best bet is to stop and think. Think about what you are doing to do and think about the consequences.

If you are willing to live with the consequences of whatever you will be doing, if you can assume what might happen, and you do this thinking rationally and truly accept your reasoning, then, and only then, can you live with your actions without regret. Because think about it... You've thought about what you were going to do, you accepted the consequences, you should be able to live without regret.

I know it's easier said than done. But here comes the concept of responsibility. As a grown-up, if you think (and I hope you do), and accept your thinking, you should be responsible enough to assume the consequences of your actions. This is truly an exercise that one goes through constantly, a sort of mental discipline to get yourself used to this viewpoint.

One has to juggle every day with all kinds of decisions. Our lives are getting more and more complex, and the more we interact with others, the more we are faced with situations that put us in difficult situation... We can regret many things: a person we left behind, a lie we said, a moment we let pass, a missed opportunity, getting tempted, not getting tempted, time we did not spend with a loved one, a word said in anger, a word not said at the right time...

When you really think of it, the best rule in life is to just move forward... Regret will not take you anywhere. Learn from your mistakes and don't waste your time crying over last opportunities. It won't do you any good; it can only pull you further from moving on.

Anyways... I guess the most difficult part of this is the thinking process that one needs to go through before deciding... It's also very difficult to truly assume your actions... One has to find one's proper balance to live and be...

Thoughts?

It's been a long long time...

It's been a long while since I last posted something... It's been a combination of being busy at work, traveling for work, and overall not getting too pissed.

So quick update on my situation... Went to Paris twice, and am currently in good ole U.S. of A, in some tiny town in NH... A shout out to Conan and to Zizou who are both in the US. This area however is totally the suburbs with the only distractions being food and shopping. I could not find a dojo to further my aïkido lessons (and by the by... I am now a yellow belt!!!)... I am re-reading Immortalité by Kundera... I am rediscovering all kinds of foods and shops and having fun doing so.

What else what else? I've been having interesting conversations about the choices we make in life and the reason why we do things... Specifically, what would make a person choose individual A over B, or what would make a person stray... Both very interesting conversations and it's not easy to answer.

I suppose we each have our own vision of things. I wrote in an earlier post about temptation. I suppose when you really think about it, it boils down to selfishness. You choose one person over the other because you think about your needs and desires, and you totally forget about the other person... You stray because you were tempted by the flesh of another (that sounds very biblical I know), because you think of your particular craving, you want to rediscover a form of passion, or you would perhaps like to taste a forbidden fruit... Who knows...

That was the thought of the day. I've got to go back to work now... Any topics you guys might have?

Women and pornography

The issue with pornography… Is there an issue to start with? Is there a trouble? I’m sure that most of you have seen porn at one point or another (or still do), and I’m sure you’ve noticed how much it has changed over the years. The “ladies” nowadays are super fit, with huge tits, tans, the occasional piercing or tattoo, zero pubic hair, always willing and always accepting. Reality is different.

Reality shows that women have bad hair days, that they have all kinds of sizes of breasts, that they don’t necessarily enjoy some things portrayed in "movies". The trouble lies in the fact that pornography is compulsive. Why is it? Because it’s guaranteed. You spank the monkey and there you go. Immediate satisfaction guaranteed. But here’s where it gets sticky (no imagery intended here)… It becomes trickier when you associate your orgasm with the cyber-babes. They become to you THE way to relieve yourself, to orgasm, because you know that it is guaranteed. And so, you associate, inevitably, sex with cyberbabes. And let’s face it, orgasming is a wonderful feeling.

But when you, the guy, are faced with a real woman, what do you do? You don’t know what to do with her body, her scent, her curves, her skin. You don’t have that over the web. You don’t kiss, you don’t touch, and… you’re not touched yourself. So if pornography is your only reference, how will you behave with the flesh and blood in front of you? How about her? Do you think you can apply the things what you’ve seen to her? Can you even be turned on by a regular woman? Does your libido still kick in?

I see this new wave of pornography, especially for the younger guys with no experience as a very bad thing. Their expectations and view of sex will undeniably be altered. And it’s the woman who will have to manage that situation.

Now, when a woman is faced with a man who does not know what he’s doing… the only thing she can do is to guide him through the process. Hopefully the guy’s learning curve is not bad and he’ll get his act together sooner rather than later. BUT, what if the woman has no idea what to do? What are her references? Porn? Good Lord. That would really be bad. So what is a woman to do? Seek an experienced man? Does she herself have references? If not, why not?

Women and Sex

I’ve been thinking about writing this blog entry for some time, but did not know where to start… I still don’t know where to start, but I figured I should just do the usual and throw myself body and soul into my word processor and type away…

I wanted to discuss the concept of women’s sexuality, how it changes with time, the social misconceptions, sensuality, pornography, and libido. Most probably I will have to split things up or I will end up with a very long entry.

This joins what I wrote a couple of days back (The rules have changed…). So I will start off with social misconceptions and see where the inspiration leads me. Very often, talking about a woman’s sexuality is taboo. I know that talking excessively about anything takes away from its charm and mystery. Too much talk about sex makes sex less intriguing… more accessible, more diluted in a way. Just like showing too much skin can take away from the other’s imagination. If he sees it all, well, there’s less to discover.

But the thing is that a woman’s sexuality is not recognized. Her needs (good god she has needs?), wishes, or behaviour are often subjects left unspoken because the woman is the rabbit. The woman is the hunted. Man is the one who boasts his sexual exploits and talks about his number of conquests. I won’t go into the fact that a man is proud of how many times he “scores” and how it is a good thing, whereas when a woman does the same, she’s viewed as a whore. Often the woman is just the receptor of man’s seed and is viewed as passive.

There are of course those who say that a woman who walks alone at night is “asking for it” or is a woman of little virtue. A woman is meant to receive the man, meaning that it is up to him to make the first move. A woman does not make the first move or express her desire. Part of all of these social images is due to the fact that it is the woman who bears and nurtures the child. It is she who takes care of it, bathes it, feeds it, and puts it to sleep. A woman is also the overall care-taker of a household. No matter how much a man will help, it still is up to the woman to handle a good part of the chores.

So a woman is expected to be both a sexual goddess and a perfect host/mother. It is this duality which makes it difficult for society to accept a sexually aggressive woman, or one who demands pleasure from her mate… I know that things have changed now, that as a comment said, women are applying the rules of men. Women are killing off taboos. We (as women) just have to be careful how we behave, and accept the choices we make.

Yes women masturbate. Yes women do like sex. Yes women can have multiple partners over a short period of time. Yes women think about it. Yes women are horny. Yes women can be intense. Yes women have needs. Yes women have fantasies. Yes women have desires. Yes yes yes…

Thoughts? Tomorrow I shall continue on women and pornography…

Nagging…

Thank God for music and my 30GB iPod… My better half bought me the iTrip cable, and I can’t seem to drive without having both with me and listening to music. I realized this when over the summer my dad asked me where the off button of the radio/cd player was. I did not know because I never used it.

Usually, I use the Shuffle Songs option to go through all different types of music, but depending on weather and how I wake up, I adjust the type. This morning for example I had to put some Guns n’ Roses on to start the day on a good note. It is gray outside and I have loads of work, and I needed to be pumped up…

What’s my point? What does all of this have to do with Nagging? Patience… I realized also that I skipped through the songs to get to one in particular, a “morbid” song if you will, that talked about death and nagging. The title being “Used to love her” from the album Lies. In it, the dude kills his girlfriend and buries her in his backyard (he wants her near him) because she nags, bitches, and complains. I like this song because I like the music, and the lyrics appeal to me. I am not advocating murder and secret garden burials, but I hate nagging.

Complaining is normal, and is often necessary to make others aware of a particular situation or problem. Where it starts to be annoying is when it is persistent, constant, and incessant. I hate being asked many times to do something. I also don’t very much like people who complain and bitch about a particular situation without doing anything about it. Because let’s face it (and here pragmatism kicks in), if you are unsatisfied with something or someone, you have two options: accept things as they are and (especially) stop your bitching, or, do something about it and change things.

Nagging to me is reserved to those who don’t want to do something to change their situation, who relish in being the martyr, the victim or whatever… Now, if you’re the one who has to suffer someone’s nagging, remind them to act, not react. Tell them that you will do whatever chore they want you to do, and if you ARE sitting on your ass not doing what you’re supposed to be doing, well tough shit for you.

In conclusion : stop your bitchin or shut the f*ck up…. And yeah, Guns n’ roses rule (or used to).

The rules have changed...

I was watching TV yesterday night when I saw this ad for a meet-up site (or whatever they are called). In it, women are more assertive. They are the ones who actually kiss the guy, or take 5 condoms and give 1 to they guy, or the ones who forget the name of the guy they've just "met". At the end of the ad, the slogan "the rules have changed" appears in red-pink...

I love this ad because it's true that the rules have changed and more and more women are better in charge of their sexuality. I guess women are realizing that if they want something that they need to get it and forget about the so-called rules of "I will call him 3 days after the first date" or "I can only xxx after xxx". Who came up with these stupid rules? Whatever I say. Do as you feel I say. Make your own rules and break them I say.

So women are living it up and doing the first move. So what? Would men feel threatened because the hunted became the hunter? Would men be turned off because women are getting stronger and indeed are changing the rules? So what I say again? If this so-called man is feeling threatened or whatever, then perhaps that is not your kind of man. He is not the type of person that meets your demands as a woman who has decided that the rules have changed.

Some would say that this particular view of things "kills" the romanticism of a relationship, it takes away from the game... All I've got to say is: the game is still on, the rules have changed.

So ladies, live it up... don't let anyone tell you what to do. Do as you feel.

In 19 months...

I've realized not long ago that I stopped counting the time I've been in Tunisia. It must have been a couple of months back... But in the past couple of weeks, a wave of nostalgia, has decided to hit me, so I'm thinking about the USA again... And so, to add some items to the list I had previously started, I decided to continue with my 19 months... So on top of that list, here's my update:

I've switched jobs
I got into 2 car accidents
I started taking aikido classes (again)
I have not gotten sick often (I suppose my body is finally accepting Tunisia)
I made friends
I've stopped doubting myself
I've gotten my migraines under control
I've lost weight and gained muscle mass
I've let my hair grow
I've held a baby cat in my hand (3 days-old)
I've not read anything exceptionnal
I've decided to be and I've become the driver
I've learned that words have many meanings depending on who's saying them
I've learned that if you don't stand up for your right, noone will
I stopped playing the guitar
I've become more zen while driving
I still get into fights when someone tries to cut me off in a line
I've made plans and changed them many times
I'm still not ready to have mini-mes
I still cannot grasp all the daily expressions
I still have an accent
I still don't give a damn :)

Prevaricating

As time goes by, I find it pointless to deny certain truths about myself. I am what I am, and although sometimes I forget about it a little bit, I find that revealing some things are just ... well... a huge relief. Sometimes, the truths are there but it takes someone else, someone new to force you to realize them.

So there, I am what I am: a dark chocolate eater, a non-smoker (here that Heliodore? my high is natural!), a non-fighter, an Aikido student, a movie watcher, a pastry-maker, a lover, a cat fiend, an avid reader, a game enthusiast, a friend, a pragmatist, an eternal learner, a devil worshipper (just kidding... making sure you were still reading :)), but also an existentialist... I am a person who wants to just be, enjoys the occasional twix (thanks! You know who you are), loves pasta, relishes a pointless debate about anything, a seeker of truth, and did I say I loved chocolate?

Anyways... The point is: know thyself.

And for those lazy asses who are just going to wonder why prevaricating is without looking it up:
From Merriam-Webster: Etymology: Latin praevaricatus, past participle of praevaricari to act in collusion, literally, to straddle, from prae- + varicare to straddle, from varus bowlegged: to deviate from the truth : EQUIVOCATE, synonym see LIE

Fight or flight

It's interesting how we all behave differently. Some of us will take a stand, while others will just go away and avoid some situations. Some will stand ground, and some will leave the dust behind them. I've not written in the past couple of weeks because there's nothing particularly exciting going on...

However! Last saturday, I witnessed for the first time in my life a proper fight. Fists and all. Kicks and all. Bites too. I admit that I was totally in chock. I shan't go into the details of what happened, but let's say that someone with guts intervened when everybody else kept staring... Anyways... The person who intervened, let's call him Pinkie, took it upon himself to stand up for someone else. Pinkie got hit bad, and frankly, initially, I could not move, I could not do anything because (like I said) I had never seen a fight before. Pinkie was on the floor and there were punches and kicks, and hair being pulled. All of this, of course, could have been resolved if the Asshole (the aggressor) listened. If he as much as talked, he would have calmed down...

This is not about the fight though... Or Pinkie who got bit on the leg (can you imagine? Someone biting you in a fight?)... Or even about how some guys have absolutely no balls... This is about how I just froze... Despite the fact that I've been doing Aikido (on and off, but hopefully on for good), I just froze. After 1 mn, I snapped back to reality, pulled some ears and tried calming down some of the people involved in the fight. I was talking and grabbed the hands of one of them, pressed gently and made him stop and relax... Did the same with another person, and that seemed to work too...

But I hate fighting. I hate violence. I hate conflict. I wondered then if the 4 hours I have were enough, if they are actually worth it (am I going anywhere with this? Can I help someone else?). Should I be doing another form of martial arts, something that is a bit more aggressive? More importantly, what makes some people involved and not others? Were the guys more aggressive because of alochol? Was a macho thing? I've been really thinking about all of this and I can't seem to be able to sort it out...

Thoughts?

Temptation

The definition itself of temptation is (according to Merriam-Webster) something tempting... a cause or occasion of enticement. To entice means to attract artfully or adroitly or by arousing hope or desire... To entice is to tempt. The other aspect of this is of course resisting temptation... Resisting the desire or the hope...

We are tempted every day to do different things:

• go through the red light at 4 am when there is no one,
• have dessert every day,
• eat chocolate every day and in the quantities we want (you know eat so much chocolate that you feel sick? i love that feeling...),
• to be rude to a friend or a co-worker,
• to eat or not to eat,
• to have sex or not,
• to cheat or not,
• to be truthful or not,
• to speed or not,
• to be charmed by someone that you just met,
• etc. etc..

Every day we are faced with these decisions... I am a huge believer in cause and consequence. Whatever we do has always an impact, be it on other people or on ourselves. If I were to eat and drink whatever I wanted all the time, I would most definitely gain weight. I need to resist the temptation to eat chocolate every time I see it. The trouble is that sometimes we can succumb to a particular temptation because there would be little consequences for our acti0ns. Or perhaps that is what we tell ourselves to justify what we want to do, what we desire to do... We tell ourselves that we only live once and f*ck it, so what if x or y? So what after all? We could be crushed in a car accident or trapped in a cave or whatever...

Why should we resist temptation? Should we resist temptation? Difficult questions... difficult answers...

Tick tock...

It's the same bloody problem every night... I start looking at the clock, I start stressing about time... It's already 23:00 and I don't feel like sleeping... It's 00:35, and I still can't sleep... Time goes by and I need to fill it... DO something... This sleeplessness is driving me crazy these days... I can't sleep, and I can't wake up in the morning.

The worst thing about this (well, one of the worst at least) is that as time goes by, I start feeling hungry. That's ok you say, grab something to eat, make something to eat... But consider this: the contents of my fridge are : beer, juice, sparkling water, coke, milk, white wine, and oh yeah, eggs, cheese, and whipping cream... Somewhere in the kitchen, there are some potatoes that are suspiciously changing colors...They still have the ... shape...of a potato, but the color, well... Let's say that soon, I can make beer out of the potato.

So imagine the dilemma, and this is the bloody issue every night...stay hungry or make something to eat... The "thing" to eat of course is either something with eggs and the dodgy potatoes, or pasta.... or rice (I think I have some). Often, I choose hunger. Think about it... Hunger is good. Hunger does not make you gain weight. Hunger does not leave dirty dishes. Hunger is therefore your friend... But hunger is really a bitch because it keeps you from sleeping. So I end up making something... It varies (ooh la la, the choices, the choices!!!).

Tonight, I combined potatoes, eggs, cheese, and whipping cream... My thighs hate me right now, but screw them. At least my belly is full... and frankly, I'd rather have it satisfied. As for the dishes... well, there's always tomorrow. It's now 1 am, and I still can't sleep. I've gone through a crazy number of movies in the past couple of days... I read, I try counting sheep... Nothing. I've even started knitting... still not boring enough...

I am neither stressed nor fatigued. I've tried sleeping aids, warm milk, carbohydrates, meditation... I have these bouts of insomnia once in a while, and it's just a pain.

Perhaps I should harass the cat.

Decisions, decisions

I guess most of us go through times in our lives where it's difficult to make a decision. Some decisions do change our lives, ones like which university to go to, getting married (or not), having a kid (or not), starting a job, quitting a job, etc. Some of these decisions are so huge, that they totally impact and change our lives. The decisions are sometimes irreversible and put us on a particular path...

The part that makes most people scared shitless is that some of these paths are just traced out in front of you... These paths are so clear it's scary. Knowing what's up ahead is very scary. Seeing so clearly up ahead is actually a bit creepy...

These decisions... this path that sort of seems traced for us, well, it's scary... And sometimes we are tempted to change roads, just to see what it would be like, if we chose a different partner, not getting married, or choosing not to have a kid. But... but there is always a danger in choosing a path. Wether we try to force ourselves out of the road, or stick to it, the choices are always difficult.

I guess, life can just be scary sometimes, and the knowledge that there are particular stages/steps in our life to take... well, that is just the hardest thing to manage.

What is a woman?

I posted something earlier about the concept of being "a man", and I've been thinking about being a woman. After all, a woman (one should hope) is more than a pair of tits and a ... you know what. Often a woman is judged by her appearance (hair, nails, clothes, scent, ...) and her "attitude". It is expected of a woman to be soft and loving, it is expected that she behaves with deference, with grace, with softness... It is expected that she speaks softly, that she has proper manners, and elegance... and be sexy.

That is a lot of pressure sometimes... Because women are sometimes expected to behave perfectly, and if not, there is always the sense that women are not "performing" to their best... If a woman enjoys cars or chooses not to care about her appearance (by which I mean that she does not put make up on daily, that she wears pants, and wears her hair in a poney tail), she is considered to be manly, or not feminine...

A woman alos has to work, take care of her home, and expect to be paid less because she is "bound" to get pregnant (so much for human ressources... aaah... the poor employer loses 2 months of work). If a woman is sexually healthy (not shy about being sexually active), tells it how it is, is not afraid to drink, and speaks her mind, well... that woman does not fit the typical image. That woman becomes something else.

So... what is a woman? A creature that lives longer than man? A creature with a complex hormonal system? A partner that behaves like an angel publicly and like a devil privately? Why do we have expectations? Why don't we just deal with a person before considering her gender?

Saturday Night Fever

It started with a simple sentence: “I wanna go dancing this Saturday”. I was (as usual) ok with that. I agreed… We decided on the place and the time… And on that delightful warm evening in Tunis, we headed towards the club…

There’s a bar right next to the club. We decide to go to the bar for a drink and head to the night club afterwards.

Then it started: the security guys started: it’s all full in there, it’s all full in there… We’re like, ok we’ll deal with it. We approach the place and some dude with a list that resembles the printout receipt of my favorite grocery store. He asked: Do you have a reservation? To which we answered: we have a friend who does. And we throw a name. The dude whips the “list” out and says ok. I very much doubt the fact that the guy even looked at the list.

We go in. We get a drink, we schmooze, and we decide that it’s time to shake it. We get our stuff, and we go to the nightclub… Then it starts…

Fist off (actually I should not be counting because there are so many things that it will get tiring for you and for me to enumerate them…), we are assaulted with smoke. We find a spot, put our stuff (that’s why I hate the cold: always carrying a coat and all that crap), and look around. The people on our left seem to have consumed already an impressive number of drinks, and decide to dance on top of a mini platform. So right to our left, my view is blocked by a couple of asses clad in white. The asses expand and there are more people who decide that apparently we are not there and stand right in front of us, hence totally blocking our view. Greaaaat… more asses, and not the tight cute ones, the big fat ones, the flat ones, the skinny ones…

Come to think of it, our blocked view was not such a big deal, because sadly for some people with low IQs (IMHO), a football game can impact one’s mood. There were many people wearing the jersey of a winning football game (not a final, not whatever, just a game), and screaming with joy and happiness (chanting more like it) the name of the winning team. It was frankly like a zoo. So, to recap (so far): the smoke, the fat ass, the blocked view, and the dumbass football supporters.

Next (oooh, it continues!!!), some people come to our right and totally block some of us from dancing… Great. They kept on pushing some chairs and there was no way now that we could dance… Anyway… We make the most of it. Tight as it was, we dance cause that is why we came for. Mind you, all this time, I have to admit that the music is very average, that the DJ is very … I can’t even find the word. Just below average…

And there, when we expect it the least, we saw buckets of champagne coming from all sides. Some football fans, apparently overjoyed with their winning team (in retrospect, I should check this team’s performance… if the fans celebrate the wins this much, it could be because they win rarely, I am just wondering, I am not sure). There was so much vodka flowing around me, that I wished I was one of the shareholders of Danska or Absolut. I wonder if it’s not too late.

Ok, one more recap: the smoke, the fat asses, the blocked view, the low IQ football fans, no space to dance, the mediocre DJ, and the champagne. Just when we were starting to rationalize about the situation and make ourselves enjoy the place, a random song in Arabic starts. WTF? And when it’s done, there goes another… Mind you, I like some types of Arabic music, but for God’s sake, please provide some songs that you can at least dance to. After two songs, back to the crappy house music. And what do you hear all of a sudden? The sound of broken glass!!! Some fans apparently celebrated by breaking glasses… I thought it was some Greek tradition during weddings? But noooo, Tunisian football fans have their own new tradition now…. They broke a bunch of glasses, popped champagne bottles and passed them around.
And finally, to end the evening, a fight broke to our right. A bunch of guys started punching one another, and thankfully security showed up.

This was all we could take, we left and that was that. There are many other tidbits that I should also provide: a friend went to the ladies room and told me that it was apparently the … how should I put this delicately? You know the oldest job in the world? The ladies who do it? THOSE women were hanging out at the ladies room, some apparently undressing…

Another friend told me that one of the young dancers (a male mind you) asked him whether he should put his hair down or keep it tied… At some point, I saw some guy coming into the club with Santa’s hat on…

Ok. I don’t think I shall recap again… Let’s just say that I will probably not go there again… Unless… I don’t even know why I would go there again. There you go… The high note was that we had decided to get something to eat at 5 am… We opted for “lablabi”, a very popular dish in Tunisia (basically, boiled chick peas with lemon and cumin which are poured on top of cubed day-old bread, with of course some harissa). It is always great to eat some, and it was a delight. It almost made me forget about the evening.

That was my Saturday night out.

Slacking

I know, sadly for myself, that I am not the most organized person. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I'd rather (almost always) do something else. This organization (or lack of it) touches many aspects of my life... I make lists, I write down the things that I should do daily, weekly, or monthly. I do do these things for a while, and then... then I don't. I am not sure if this is due to a lack of motivation, if I'd just rather lay down and watch James Bond, or what... I don't know, and I seriously would like to change this.

There's always this conflict in the morning: sleep 10 more minutes or make my bed/wash yesterday's dishes/etc... The conflict at night after getting home after work: tidying up a little, doing the little house chores, washing the dishes that I did not wash in the morning, ... or... or ordering a pizza, having something fresh to drink, putting my feet on the table and watching some movie.

The conflict is always between what I'd really like to do and what I should be doing. And after a couple of days of doing what I want to be doing (which means slacking), I get fed up of the mess, and clean.... Because I hate living in a mess... I know it's a contradiction, but that's how it is, and I am desperately (well... it's all relative you know...) trying to find a solution to this...

Any Advice?

What is a MAN?

I've been thinking recently about the concept of being a man... Man with a small "m" that is. The Male in other words... We have many ideas (and they differ from one society to another) on what it is to be a man. We hear many expressions every day about what a man does and what he does not.
For example, in Tunisia, whenever anything has to do with courage or the fact that you can depend on someone, you hear "he's a man" or "my friend is a man" or "truly he's a man". These expressions are sometimes even used when referring to women. So when someone impresses you, or does something that is unexpected, if you are a man or a woman, you will be qualified of a man.

Now... My question is: why? Why is it that all the positive attributes are attributed to a guy? Why god whyyyy?

Back to being serious. We say "he's crying like a little girl", "he drives like a woman", "he fights like a woman" and many other expressions... A guy is supposed to be strong, turstworthy, virile, and dependable. A woman (apparently) fights dirty, cries afterwards, and will crash into your car... WTF? These are the type of generalities that do drive me crazy.

I've heard of men recently with ZERO spine, with disturbing behavior, and with a confidence of a fruit fly. Generalities are sometimes useful and funny, but please, do consider that times have evolved, that today is not the same as yesterday... That women are present in different fields of work, and that actually, women end up working more because most feel that they have to prove themselves (and don't forget the housework!).

Anyways... End of tirade. Do tell what you think of these gender issues.

Taking the high road

And then I am back, from outer space...

Damnnnn it's been too long. I had missed writing dearly, and I find myself starting little text files at work and at home and never publishing anything... Anyways, there is so much to do and say that I am not sure I can even go that far back (perhaps there is no point anyways)...

I actually have been thinking about the concept of taking the high road and choosing the right path (in a way). It is of course morally righ to do the right thing. It is advisable, it is better, it is the way to be as a "good" and "decent" human being.

However... Does it pay to be the one always taking the high road and doing what is right?

Ok, so I am saying things in which I am not totally convinced myself. But bare with me... listen to what I have to say.... One example, one very simple example that we all encounter in our everyday life: traffic/driving. Frankly, no matter what, I will respect the traffic laws, always use my blinker, and never switch lanes like a mad person whose ass is on fire.

I decided to stick (most times) to the right-most lane, and just cruise comfortably... I observe people around, and sometimes it's just painful. If you are the person that will queue, you will see some dumb f*ck come on the right most lane (the one reserved for emergencies) or the left most lane (the one that is turning left) and cutting the people in front in order to go first. They are behaving like stupid cows, but they get to go first.

This is just an example... But every day we are faced with these situations: having to invite someone because you ought to, having to go somewhere, having to spend time with x or z, having to pay some bills, having to forego something because... There always seems to be a "because you are a better person and it is your 'duty'" type of sentence attached.

Well... F*ck that shit. I am getting tired of this. Why on earth should some go by life living however way they like and me having to take into account all these factors that might or might not affect them? Why is it that some people always have to think of others. It is true that inviting one more person to a party won't hurt, or you giving your turn one time or whatever...

Anyways, I still am not sure what I will do, but I am getting tired of this...