because venting is really vital

Tired

2010-09-13T10:56:00.004+01:00

I was thinking about the fact that I had not written in a very long time, and how I missed it. My need for venting has not gone away, on the contrary. I'd say the need has only increased with time... Mostly though, I've been feeling tired.

Tired of the lies
Tired of the hypocrisy
Tired of the lack of civility
Tired of being #2
Tired of waiting
Tired of bad driving
Tired of people who don't have issues telling you how it is, but feel offended when you do the same
Tired of headaches
Tired of looking for a book like I was searching for the Holy Grail
Tired of not finding CDs. I miss buying original CDs.
Tired of people who don't queue
Tired of lack of professionalism
Tired of lack of ethics
Tired of waiting (i know i've said it before)
Tired of lack of humanity
Tired of lack of decency
Tired of harissa in every freaking dish
Tired of not being able to have a normal relationship
Tired of not finding normal, regular people

I am not quite sure what to do to stop feeling this tired. I'm trying, really trying.

Technology

2009-07-11T23:02:00.003+01:00

Technology sucks. I only say that because with the onslaught of stupid cell phones, we are connected. Like it or not, the reality is that we are now totally and always reachable. One needs to actually shut the damn thing not to be connected... but when you do call, and you get through, and noone picks up or answers... it just makes me wonder... was it the content of the message? was it the time? is my phone functionning properly? do i still have a dial? or ... is it me?

Then i snap out of it, and realize that I am behaving like a freakin 16 year old.

But i still hate it when i cannot get through to someone :)

That first time

2009-07-06T19:43:00.003+01:00

I was recently thinking about first times, and how it felt : good or awkward that is.

Let me explain : when getting back on the dating scene, especially when it's been a while, one actually forgets or does not know anymore the appropriate steps. How far do you go, let yourself go? How should you approach someone? How quickly do you call? Do you follow "the rules"? Do you go by instinct? How will I be perceived by the other one if I do x or z?

A lot of questions. A lot of wondering. A lot of sleeplessness.

So what exactly is the "right" behavior? Is there even such a thing? My gut instinct always tells me to just go with the flow. However... big fat however. Men differ : depending on country, depending on environment, depending on open-mindedness... They always freakin' differ. Otherwise it would be too easy, and probably not interesting anyway.

I am thinking about all this stuff. Trying to find the right balance of everything, and hoping that my gut feeling is leading where I want it :)

Giving it another try.

2009-06-21T01:35:00.001+01:00

Hi. My name is Hager, and I'm not going to hold my breath any more. Here it comes people, here it comes.

Happiness

2009-03-20T23:41:00.004+01:00

I had a conversion recently with a friend about the concept of happiness. It is quite difficult to define what it is. You know it when you have it. You enjoy it.
I figured there are things that make me have a particular feeling of well-being. this feeling, we shall call it happiness.

They can be

very small : like someone calling me to say : I just missed the tone of your voice,
touching : remembering how I take my coffee, or knowing what kinds of food I would or would not eat,
surprising : receiving a gift out of the blue, without any kind of events or expectations
tactile : a gentle squeeze of the hand, a touch on the arm, a kiss
endearing : seeing how happy your pet is to see you
giving a loved one a gift and seeing the smile or twinkle in their eyes
...

The list can go on. I just figure one should just enjoy the simple moments in life, the simple joys, and the different miscellaneous events.

Happiness is easy, it's out there. Grab it. Don't put rules on it.

Anger

2009-03-10T22:47:00.002+01:00

I started thinking about the concept of anger, and especially how to manage recently. I
found myself reacting a big hastily, and a bit more agressively than my usual self...
This lead me to wonder about the causes of my behavior, the reasons behind it all. It
is actually not very easy to determine the exact cause, or reason.

So i looked online... hoping that somewhere, someone, explained why one gets angry.
According to Wikipedia, there are 3 forms of anger :
"The first form of anger, named "hasty and sudden anger" by Joseph Butler, an 18th
century English bishop, is connected to the impulse for self-preservation. It is shared
between humans and animals and occurs when tormented or trapped. The second type of
anger is named "settled and deliberate" anger and is a reaction to perceived deliberate
harm or unfair treatment by others. These two forms of anger are episodic. The third
type of anger is however dispositional and is related more to character traits than to
instincts or cognitions. Irritability, sullenness and churlishness postures are
examples of the last form of anger."

So this at least tells me that I either am feeling tormented or trapped, or that I am
feeling deliberate harm or unfair treatment. Or perhaps, I was feeling a mixture of
these 2 feelings.

From personal experience and some retrospection, I know I get angry when expectations I
have are not met. But I also know that I do get angry when I care about something. It
is after all a feeling that enables you to know that something is wrong, or that
something is moving you. So getting angry also helps you stay on your toes (in a way).
I'm not sure how healthy it is, but in small doses, I figure, it's not bad. When I feel tired and blasé, I know that I don't care.

The issue I am having these days is not being able to always control my anger. It comes too quickly for me to control, or even try to do anything about it. I don't know frankly what to do. I don't know either why these days I have so much anger in me. It can be an accumulation of past events, and overall feeling of not wanting to give a rat's ass. But letting myself be lost in this feeling is truly awful. Because being in the state of anger means not controlling one's emotion, one's speech, one's body. Being angry means being out of control.

And I hate being out of control. So I really hate being angry. Exercising helps a bit. But I need to find something I can do, on regular basis, to maintain the zen state. I am hoping that writing will help me. I figure punching words is better than punching someone ;)

Lots

2009-02-26T21:00:00.002+01:00

Lots has come and lots has gone...
I'm looking for ways to gain and retain my zen attitude (or zenitude as some call it). I have totally decided to get back into writing, because it seems that I'm not doing enough venting these days... and since venting IS vital, here I go again.

Dazed and Confused

2008-07-16T17:33:00.002+02:00

I'm not sure what on earth is going on in my head these past few days, but am most definitely confused. I'm having difficulty seeing clearly, making or taking decisions, and worse, can't seem to act on anything. This does not fit me as a behavior and I don't know how to snap out of it.
Anyways... I am hoping to snap out of it and get on with life.

Choices in life...

2008-07-14T13:23:00.002+02:00

I've just come back from an excellent week-end at the beach. It was truly wonderful because we were a group of 12 persons or so, and we were completely isolated. No phone, no people, nothing around. The person who organizes the whole thing is officially someone who deals with ACs. He started taking groups to beaches and the desert because he is very good at this (and he proved it).
This guy's choices in life, what he does, how he lives, and how he is, are quite interesting. He does not "conform" to the average 8 to 5 office life. I guess it takes some guts to choose to live like this, but he is living his life.
This dude brought me to thinking about my own choices in life, and the good thing i guess, is that i am always re-evaluating my life, always re-evaluating my choices. I suppose there's confort in knowing that it's never too late to opt for something else, and that one has the opportunity to steer courses.
Live your life... Be free.

Feeling blah...

2008-07-08T15:28:00.003+02:00

Feeling angry and sad at the same time.
Feeling somewhat trapped.
Feeling sorrow.
Feeling pain.

Nice gals and guys finish last...really.

2008-07-04T17:04:00.002+02:00

It saddens me to realize that bitches rule. I came to the realization these past couple of years that actually, those guys and gals who demand stuff, who behave like girly girls, are the ones that are actually getting what they want.

Let me explain myself... By nature, I am not someone who asks for stuff, makes demands, or anything like that. If I want something, I'll get it myself, or I'll make subtle hints. Subtlety does not work. Because I guess when you do ask, you make it clear what you want. When you just throw hints or stop in front of a watch, or camera, or dress, it might not be obvious enough. Who would have thought it? Consequently, you don't make demands... you don't ask for stuff but somehow you wish that the "other" will realize it and surprise you. You wish and biggest mistake of all... you hope. Hope is for loosers. It saddens me very much to say it. But it seems that the reality of life is not an ideal. It is not some sort of best scenario stuff. I give you stuff you like, for no reason, and perhaps, you will do the same for me because.... just because.

Well no.

Bitches, or those women who demand stuff before they get married, or after they get married, or while they are engaged, or girlfriends or whatever... well, it sucks to say it, it really sucks to say it, but they have it right. Like i said, being a loud mouth or marketing yourself as a friend recently told me, seems to be the way to go.

This totally changes my way of viewing life. It totally changes my concept of how one should behave vis-à-vis others, but I don't know... I don't want to be cynical like that. I think it's cheap and demeaning. I also think that it's unhealthy.... But ... but... i don't know.

A little of this and a whole lot of that...

2008-06-05T12:15:00.002+02:00

I've been thinking about my blog for what seems like an eternity. An idea or thought would come up and I say to myself : I've gotta go and update my blog.. it's been forever. The realities of life are such that, sadly, time is not always on my side. It's partially a b.s. excuse because I should be able to find time to do the things that I love.

So anyways... here i am again, I've pulled myself from Facebook (one tends to get sucked into it, no?), and am focusing on my blog. So what happened to me since my last post?

- I've changed jobs (within the same company)
- I've gotten another cat (a male : Bruce Lee)
- I've travelled like crazy to the Middle East and other parts of North Africa
- Gotten a hair cut (twice)
- Have not taken much time off
- Have gotten *seriously* sick, and recovered
- Have not seen any memorable movie
- and finally... am starting now (finally some should say) to think about expending "family"

I hope more to come later and I know I've a lot of venting that needs to... well... be vented :)

Seeing the good in life

2007-10-02T18:07:00.000+02:00

Hi

I’ve not written in some time, not because I’ve lacked inspiration, or lacked time, and especially not because I’ve not had the need to vent (it is *still* an essential element of my life). I’ve not written because I’ve been giving life, my life, some thought… I’ve always had these mini crises where I question everything all over again. A friend recently said that libras were notorious for being in an unstable balance (un équilibre instable). Perhaps questioning everything on a regular basis reaffirms my belief or believes in my choices in life, or better yet, they might orient me towards a direction that I might not have considered.

In any case… I seem to be rambling without really going forward in my writing. I guess, I just wanted to say, that sometimes, I tended to lose myself and forget the very same principles that I am preaching (to others and myself) : live your life, enjoy what you have, and just be. Somewhere between going to work, getting home, and I guess getting got in the rat race, I’d forgotten these very same principles. I am not sure how or why, but I noticed myself sinking into a melancholy, a sort of blues, beleaguered by an unexplainable dark cloud looming over me.

Frankly, when one stops and thinks over about one’s life, it is in my humble opinion, important to be aware of the little things that make our lives the way it is. The gentle touch of a loved one, the unexpected gift, the warm embrace when one is in need of comfort, remembering how you take your coffee, the squeeze when you expect it the least, the door being opened to you, a quiet afternoon watching a good movie, a great conversation that will lead you strictly nowhere, a book that will freshen up your perspective on life, waking up with the knowledge that the only thing you have to do is go to the beach .

There are really loads and loads of things that make our life good. All I’m saying is that we should not forget about them and learn to enjoy them.

This and that... General ramblings

2007-07-02T15:37:00.000+02:00

My past week was quite ... interesting. I definitely did not feel the time go by at all... The week ended and all that remained was a feeling of satisfaction and beatitude. A lot got done.

My cat seems to have pulled through whatever was going on. I brought her home this past saturday and she seems to be stable. Not eating a lot, but at least, she's drinking water and moving around.

Finally got to go to the beach this sunday and disconnect with the world. I went to a beach around the area of Bizerte, and on the way home, had 2 excellent fricassés. It definitely hit the spot, and the beach/fricassé were much needed and it certainly helped get me started for the week. Monday for once, was bearable.

I took advantage of a cancelled appointment to sleep on saturday... I slept like there was no tomorrow. I finally recuperated and recharged my batteries.

Mosquitoes seem to have found in my body an intense source of happiness as the creatures have been coming to me every night now. I have over 2 dozen bite marks and it's getting to a point where it's intolerable... I don't want to have to shut down the window and have AC... I am checking all kinds of websites to see what I need to do in order not to be under attack... So far, nothing really great that I can do naturally (the solution of tobacco is not an option). If you guys have any ideas, please do share...

Otherwise, am reading a lot these days, but nothing of great literary value. It's all part of the summer/beach reading.

Dealing with death

2007-06-29T14:51:00.000+02:00

I've not had to "worry" about death for quite some time. Two of my grandparents passed away when I was 5, and another when I was 10... Which means it's been over twenty years that I've not had someone I love or close to me or whatever pass away. I know that human and animal life do not compare... But I also believe in feeling close, whether to a person or a creature. This week, I'm having to deal with the eventuality of my cat's death.

I don't really want to think about it, but a part of me is not sure that Toutou is going to pull through. She's not been eating, not moving, not drinking, not anything. This is totally unlike her, because, despite her age (10.5 years), she comes to the door every single time I come in. She hangs out with me wherever I am at home, waits for me to get out of the shower, etc... I've had her for 9 years. I say without shame, that I love that cat.

She's been "hospitalized" for the past couple of days, and she's not doing well... The vet said that I should start thinking about what to do if she does not improve by tomorrow (saturday). I don't want to think about it. I know we all die. I know it's just a cat. I know all that. But... But the part of me that is rational is not strong enough on this particular issue.

Communication breakdown

2007-06-21T17:18:00.000+02:00

This week at work, I've been surrounded by power struggles, back-stabbing, rumours, and all kinds of unhealthy settings. It's *unbelievable*. Personally, the whole "rat race" is not my thing. I strive to do my job well, I want to succeed, but I know my limits. I know that there are things I will never do and I know that I will not sabotage someone just to move forward. It's just not in my nature.

I just cannot for the life of me understand some people who have gone up the ladder, one way or another, and are perpetually anxious : they make the people who work for them miserable just to feel that they have power over them; they do not communicate with the rest of the team, they are constantly in meetings and demand to be cc-ed on everything...

Bad management is really a horrible thing. It just demoralizes everyone around and is so very counter productive. When you step back and look at the situation, you realize that people have not grown up, that they are still children, in a school yard, fighting over who has the most marbles and the most friends. It's so childish and so totally irrational... I've tried to explain this, to understand it, but really there's no point.

People forget the importance of communicating, of talking, of sharing ideas, of listening. They forget that by communicating, we move forward, we help one another, and we better understand the needs of everyone....

I shall leave you with the following quote :

"The crucial role of language in human evolution was not the ability to exchange ideas, but the increased ability to cooperate" - Fritjof Capra

Obligations sociales

2007-06-19T19:37:00.000+02:00

Samedi dernier, en compagnie de ma très chère Houta, en sirotant une boisson bien fraiche, une conversation bien interessante eut lieu (du moins, on a commencé, mais elle a été interrompue). On avait commencé à parler du concept d'obligations sociales, de choses qu'on devait faire parce que "c'était la chose à faire". En Tunisie, il y a beaucoup de situations où on se sent obligé de faire x pour faire plaisir à ses parents, à son conjoint, à ses beaux parents, etc...

Parfois, ce concept (makkhidht khater as we call it) est bien parce que nous vivons dans une société qui n'est pas (encore) individualiste. On a besoin parfois de mettre un peu à l'écart nos sentiments pour le bien du "groupe". Nous tenons compte des sentiments des autres. Nous faisons des efforts pour que le futur beau fils de notre oncle ne se sente pas exclut, nous allons visiter, nous sortons, nous visitons, nous parlons, etc. etc...

Mais .... parfois, il y a quelqu'un qui est dans l'obligation de faire plaisir aux autres, sans que toutefois que les autres réciproquent. En fait, ce n'est même pas une question de donner sans recevoir. C'est vraiment le fait de donner parce qu'on "doit", de faire quelque chose à contre coeur, et être dans une situation inconfortable contre son grés. C'est pour tout cela que je dis : f*ck 'em. Rien ni personne ne devrait m'obliger à un age adulte et avancé de faire qq chose contre mon gré simplement parce que c'est "comme ça".

Ce n'est certainement pas facile par moments, parce que clairement on irait contré le courant... Et alors? Telle est la vie... Et si on ne veut pas finir comme copie conforme aux 10 millions de tunisiens, il faut avoir la peau dure et tenir tête. Like I said, ce n'est pas facile de se comporter comme on veut vraiment, et s'habiller comme on veut, et en fin de compte, vivre ou être comme on veut. Mais il faut aussi réaliser que nous n'avons qu'une vie, qu'elle est courte et instable, et surtout qu'elle peut prendre fin à tout moment.

Pour reprendre les mots de Renton (Trainspotting) : Choose life.

On why I hate pedestrians in Tunisia

2007-06-12T10:25:00.000+02:00

This post has been brewing in my head for quite some time... I've been trying to find some sort of logic, some sort of explanation, something, anything to start explaining the behavior of pedestrians in Tunisia, but I just can't...

I cannot for the life of me understand why people would walk on the road, when you have a sidewalk. I cannot understand why people cross the road when there are cars coming their way... And they're not even running! They're just taking their sweet time crossing the street while cars are going 90km an hour. I just don't get it. I don't get why people choose not to use the pedestrian cross way on top of the highway, a thing specifically created to avoid accidents and save lives. And why would you walk on the street, at night, when there are no street lights, and dressed in black?

Do these people have a death wish? I suppose they are suicidal? Are they just plain stupid? What is it that can explain such a behavior? I really don't know. All I know is that I am terrified of hitting someone. It's always something on my mind when I drive, especially at night. I have tendencies to drive fast, and I am very careful with my peaks of speed, but that stupid f*cker who might just decide to cross when I switched to the 5th gear on the highway, is always on my mind.

Venting over for now.

Wondering about sexuality

2007-06-08T10:30:00.000+02:00

I was wondering recently about what makes a person more sexual than another. What is it that makes a person appreciate intercourse, touching, being touched, kissing, being kissed, being teased, teasing, and all the other things we do? Is it something innate? Are we born that way? Do we learn to appreciate some things with time? Does it have to do with the number of people we've been with and what they've "taught" us?

What makes it that you want to just... touch someone? or be near them? Is it pheromones, hormones, or something else? Do we behave differently depending on who we are? Or do we behave consistently no matter who we are with? Can some people turn you on differently than others? And why is that?

I guess this series of questions, wonderings, is coming to me due to the heat that we are enduring, and the newly forming couples around :)

Your thoughts are very welcome...

The need to define or not

2007-06-07T11:16:00.000+02:00

I suppose life is easier when you know what you are doing. If you're just throwing yourself (so to say) into something without knowing the potential outcome, you might feel uncomfortable.

Often we define situations, relationships, work tasks, etc... in order to not only know what to expect and what to do, but also to know the "scope" of what is/is not allowed. I find it that however, sometimes, one does not need to know.

Clearly I wonder about my behavior sometimes. I wonder about some choices and what pushed me to just go ahead and do something. But these thoughts never linger too long because when one knows that there is a finality to something, it's better to live day by day and enjoy the moment.

So... Defining is all good and well to know where you are heading, but allow yourself sometimes some "craziness" and just be...

Carpe diem.

Ouf

2007-06-05T17:19:00.000+02:00

For whatever reason, my mood has been great. I don't know if it's weather, the air pressure, my hormones under control, the good sleep, or the fact that work is moving along nicely... I don't know. I just feel good.
One thing for sure is that the sunny warm weather is definitely helping, and the trainspotting soundtrack (1 and 2).
So that's that. I'm back into a better mood, a jojo that is more empowered, stronger, and freeer.

Life these past couple of days has been just moving along, with nothing out of the ordinary happening... Work, life, its troubles and joys, friends, aïkido, parents, kids, loving and being loved, crazy suicidal pedestrians, funny coworkers, and interesting reading (Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk) have been going on.

No particular life ranting or venting needed. I guess I'm zen these days.

2007-05-29T14:19:00.000+02:00

It's weird. Lately I realized that I was experiencing many feelings in very short time frames. It's as if I were moody, and it's not usually the case for me.

I'm going through love, hate, guilt, compassion, and many others... I don't know why, I don'tknow why I feel bothered. There's nothing specific, and all is going well right now, be it personally or professionally. I'd like to better understand this mood and just aim at resolving it. It could be my regular existencial mini-crisis that I get twice a year... It could be just me trying to know where I am and try to better visualize where I am going.

But I don't really need to know. I just ... I don't know. I just feel restless.

wondering about passion

2007-05-28T11:20:00.000+02:00

How is passion triggered and what makes it go away? Is it possible to keep the flame burning forever and ever?
I'm referring to either passion in a couple, or passion for a particular thing (a hobby for example). Is passion simply the result of curiosity for a new thing? The thirst and curiosity to discover something new?
How can we hold on to that feeling?

More on mood...

2007-05-04T14:59:00.000+02:00

My writing has been sporadic these past couple of weeks. I’ve been here and there and spending a lot of time in the air… It might seem like I’m bitching about this, but I’m not. I’ve been given a superb and fantastic opportunity, and I’m doing my best to prove that I deserve the chance I’ve been given… But I do have to admit that I am a bit tired. I realized something today about my mood. I actually very much dislike being by myself. I hate it in fact. I hate sleeping alone. I hate eating alone. It’s weird because I seem to get more sentimental, or it’s actually more the fact that some feelings just come out because of the distance. Anyway… I guess I had thought I could be more by myself, but I can’t… at last, not for a long time. Thank God for comedy central…

Mood

2007-05-03T21:27:00.000+02:00

Today's mood is rather dark.
I am feeling a bit drained.
There are things that I'd like to do and have not figured out how to do them, yet.
The music "Sur Le Fil" by Yann Tiersen captures my state of mind rather well.
I am in dire need of a hug.

Image

2007-04-30T11:14:00.000+02:00

I've just finished re-reading "Immortalité" by Kundera. It's a book that can't be easily described. Kundera in this "novel" talks about the self, the body, the concept of immortality, etc... It's very rich and as usual, the author gets into the book and talks directly to the reader... At one point, Kundera talks about the concept of the image, of how we perceive ourselves, and especially, how others perceive us... How our image actually does matter, and how those who think it does not, are, well, insane.

My finishing of the book comes at a time where I've been having lots of discussion with friends about "image". My view is that if we always obeyed the rules of society, we would actually never go anywhere. I am not advocating chaos or anarchy, but I am saying that one should be able to do what one wants to do, provided one can deal with the consequences. I know I dress a bit weirdly sometimes, that I have bizarre looking shoes, and apparently a "hippyish" style. I was not conscious of it until I came back to Tunisia. True, I tend to favor colors and loose fitting clothes. True also, that I favor comfortable shoes over stylish ones. Very true that I have flowers and weird patterns on my clothes. But that is my style, and frankly, I like it. It might be a bit off, but really, I don't care. The style is mine, and people have gotten used to it. They've come to realize that it fits my personality, and they've come to accept it. Once in a while I get something or another, but that's ok. I know how to deal with it.

Our social image however does not stop at how we dress. It goes further. It's who you have lunch with, who you have coffee breaks with, where you go out at night, who do you have a drink with, do you have a drink (as a female) alone with colleagues, what kind of car you drive, etc. etc... The list goes on. But then again, you know the list, you know what I mean.

I was also told over a beer the other night that I did not live in a vacuum and that I had to be conscious of the choices I made. I don't know about that. I don't know either when this shift occurred for me.... meaning, I've realized that nudity does not bother me. It's just a body, it's just boobs, what's the big deal? I wondered also about the movement in France whereby overnight women decided to sunbathe topless. How did that happen? How did the rules change? What gave the first woman courage to take off her top? And what made the others follow?

I know there are limits to what one can do. At least, somewhere in my head, I figure that there should be limits, but I am not sure why. I figure, who cares what I wear? I am talking about the everyday stuff, not the professional uniform (because yes, a suit IS a uniform). Who cares about my piercings or my tattoos? I've gotten a 2nd one sometime ago, and when people ask me to show it, I do. I don't feel ashamed or uneasy about it. I know that many think it an aberration, others too big, too loud, too weird, too... whatever. It is what it is. Just like my clothes. They are what they are. My own personal style. I know that those who take the time to know me would understand it... For the rest... well...

To get back to Kundera, how insane is the person that does not care? And so what if they are?

Overflow

2007-04-26T09:37:00.000+02:00

I've been sleeping really like crap for the past couple of weeks, and it's not just jet lag, or fatigue. I think I have a lot of different things on my mind, and I just can't seem (this time) to filter efficiently... I can't seem to empty my head... I need to force myself to focus on anything I do, meaning, if I don't concentrate, I will do or say something wrong.

As such, I've not been really inspired. A friend suggested I talk about the difficulties of deciding whether one should get married or not. Another wanted to know my thoughts on money and capitalism... Still brewing in my head... I hope to produce something soon...

Anyways, that's it for me. For now.

That damned regret

2007-04-12T19:29:00.000+02:00

Some time ago, when I still was a student, I got an article published on the concept of regret. In it I said (more or less) that regret was reserved for those who do not think properly about the things that they want to do.

Basically, I have a rather simple way to view things.... This "concept" of life was developed with time, and it is of course, still a work in progress. I do believe that if you are in a situation and you have to decide on your course of action, your best bet is to stop and think. Think about what you are doing to do and think about the consequences.

If you are willing to live with the consequences of whatever you will be doing, if you can assume what might happen, and you do this thinking rationally and truly accept your reasoning, then, and only then, can you live with your actions without regret. Because think about it... You've thought about what you were going to do, you accepted the consequences, you should be able to live without regret.

I know it's easier said than done. But here comes the concept of responsibility. As a grown-up, if you think (and I hope you do), and accept your thinking, you should be responsible enough to assume the consequences of your actions. This is truly an exercise that one goes through constantly, a sort of mental discipline to get yourself used to this viewpoint.

One has to juggle every day with all kinds of decisions. Our lives are getting more and more complex, and the more we interact with others, the more we are faced with situations that put us in difficult situation... We can regret many things: a person we left behind, a lie we said, a moment we let pass, a missed opportunity, getting tempted, not getting tempted, time we did not spend with a loved one, a word said in anger, a word not said at the right time...

When you really think of it, the best rule in life is to just move forward... Regret will not take you anywhere. Learn from your mistakes and don't waste your time crying over last opportunities. It won't do you any good; it can only pull you further from moving on.

Anyways... I guess the most difficult part of this is the thinking process that one needs to go through before deciding... It's also very difficult to truly assume your actions... One has to find one's proper balance to live and be...

Thoughts?

It's been a long long time...

2007-04-10T23:48:00.000+02:00

It's been a long while since I last posted something... It's been a combination of being busy at work, traveling for work, and overall not getting too pissed.

So quick update on my situation... Went to Paris twice, and am currently in good ole U.S. of A, in some tiny town in NH... A shout out to Conan and to Zizou who are both in the US. This area however is totally the suburbs with the only distractions being food and shopping. I could not find a dojo to further my aïkido lessons (and by the by... I am now a yellow belt!!!)... I am re-reading Immortalité by Kundera... I am rediscovering all kinds of foods and shops and having fun doing so.

What else what else? I've been having interesting conversations about the choices we make in life and the reason why we do things... Specifically, what would make a person choose individual A over B, or what would make a person stray... Both very interesting conversations and it's not easy to answer.

I suppose we each have our own vision of things. I wrote in an earlier post about temptation. I suppose when you really think about it, it boils down to selfishness. You choose one person over the other because you think about your needs and desires, and you totally forget about the other person... You stray because you were tempted by the flesh of another (that sounds very biblical I know), because you think of your particular craving, you want to rediscover a form of passion, or you would perhaps like to taste a forbidden fruit... Who knows...

That was the thought of the day. I've got to go back to work now... Any topics you guys might have?

Women and pornography

2007-03-09T11:17:00.000+01:00

The issue with pornography… Is there an issue to start with? Is there a trouble? I’m sure that most of you have seen porn at one point or another (or still do), and I’m sure you’ve noticed how much it has changed over the years. The “ladies” nowadays are super fit, with huge tits, tans, the occasional piercing or tattoo, zero pubic hair, always willing and always accepting. Reality is different.

Reality shows that women have bad hair days, that they have all kinds of sizes of breasts, that they don’t necessarily enjoy some things portrayed in "movies". The trouble lies in the fact that pornography is compulsive. Why is it? Because it’s guaranteed. You spank the monkey and there you go. Immediate satisfaction guaranteed. But here’s where it gets sticky (no imagery intended here)… It becomes trickier when you associate your orgasm with the cyber-babes. They become to you THE way to relieve yourself, to orgasm, because you know that it is guaranteed. And so, you associate, inevitably, sex with cyberbabes. And let’s face it, orgasming is a wonderful feeling.

But when you, the guy, are faced with a real woman, what do you do? You don’t know what to do with her body, her scent, her curves, her skin. You don’t have that over the web. You don’t kiss, you don’t touch, and… you’re not touched yourself. So if pornography is your only reference, how will you behave with the flesh and blood in front of you? How about her? Do you think you can apply the things what you’ve seen to her? Can you even be turned on by a regular woman? Does your libido still kick in?

I see this new wave of pornography, especially for the younger guys with no experience as a very bad thing. Their expectations and view of sex will undeniably be altered. And it’s the woman who will have to manage that situation.

Now, when a woman is faced with a man who does not know what he’s doing… the only thing she can do is to guide him through the process. Hopefully the guy’s learning curve is not bad and he’ll get his act together sooner rather than later. BUT, what if the woman has no idea what to do? What are her references? Porn? Good Lord. That would really be bad. So what is a woman to do? Seek an experienced man? Does she herself have references? If not, why not?

Women and Sex

2007-03-08T15:19:00.000+01:00

I’ve been thinking about writing this blog entry for some time, but did not know where to start… I still don’t know where to start, but I figured I should just do the usual and throw myself body and soul into my word processor and type away…

I wanted to discuss the concept of women’s sexuality, how it changes with time, the social misconceptions, sensuality, pornography, and libido. Most probably I will have to split things up or I will end up with a very long entry.

This joins what I wrote a couple of days back (The rules have changed…). So I will start off with social misconceptions and see where the inspiration leads me. Very often, talking about a woman’s sexuality is taboo. I know that talking excessively about anything takes away from its charm and mystery. Too much talk about sex makes sex less intriguing… more accessible, more diluted in a way. Just like showing too much skin can take away from the other’s imagination. If he sees it all, well, there’s less to discover.

But the thing is that a woman’s sexuality is not recognized. Her needs (good god she has needs?), wishes, or behaviour are often subjects left unspoken because the woman is the rabbit. The woman is the hunted. Man is the one who boasts his sexual exploits and talks about his number of conquests. I won’t go into the fact that a man is proud of how many times he “scores” and how it is a good thing, whereas when a woman does the same, she’s viewed as a whore. Often the woman is just the receptor of man’s seed and is viewed as passive.

There are of course those who say that a woman who walks alone at night is “asking for it” or is a woman of little virtue. A woman is meant to receive the man, meaning that it is up to him to make the first move. A woman does not make the first move or express her desire. Part of all of these social images is due to the fact that it is the woman who bears and nurtures the child. It is she who takes care of it, bathes it, feeds it, and puts it to sleep. A woman is also the overall care-taker of a household. No matter how much a man will help, it still is up to the woman to handle a good part of the chores.

So a woman is expected to be both a sexual goddess and a perfect host/mother. It is this duality which makes it difficult for society to accept a sexually aggressive woman, or one who demands pleasure from her mate… I know that things have changed now, that as a comment said, women are applying the rules of men. Women are killing off taboos. We (as women) just have to be careful how we behave, and accept the choices we make.

Yes women masturbate. Yes women do like sex. Yes women can have multiple partners over a short period of time. Yes women think about it. Yes women are horny. Yes women can be intense. Yes women have needs. Yes women have fantasies. Yes women have desires. Yes yes yes…

Thoughts? Tomorrow I shall continue on women and pornography…

Nagging…

2007-03-07T09:44:00.000+01:00

Thank God for music and my 30GB iPod… My better half bought me the iTrip cable, and I can’t seem to drive without having both with me and listening to music. I realized this when over the summer my dad asked me where the off button of the radio/cd player was. I did not know because I never used it.

Usually, I use the Shuffle Songs option to go through all different types of music, but depending on weather and how I wake up, I adjust the type. This morning for example I had to put some Guns n’ Roses on to start the day on a good note. It is gray outside and I have loads of work, and I needed to be pumped up…

What’s my point? What does all of this have to do with Nagging? Patience… I realized also that I skipped through the songs to get to one in particular, a “morbid” song if you will, that talked about death and nagging. The title being “Used to love her” from the album Lies. In it, the dude kills his girlfriend and buries her in his backyard (he wants her near him) because she nags, bitches, and complains. I like this song because I like the music, and the lyrics appeal to me. I am not advocating murder and secret garden burials, but I hate nagging.

Complaining is normal, and is often necessary to make others aware of a particular situation or problem. Where it starts to be annoying is when it is persistent, constant, and incessant. I hate being asked many times to do something. I also don’t very much like people who complain and bitch about a particular situation without doing anything about it. Because let’s face it (and here pragmatism kicks in), if you are unsatisfied with something or someone, you have two options: accept things as they are and (especially) stop your bitching, or, do something about it and change things.

Nagging to me is reserved to those who don’t want to do something to change their situation, who relish in being the martyr, the victim or whatever… Now, if you’re the one who has to suffer someone’s nagging, remind them to act, not react. Tell them that you will do whatever chore they want you to do, and if you ARE sitting on your ass not doing what you’re supposed to be doing, well tough shit for you.

In conclusion : stop your bitchin or shut the f*ck up…. And yeah, Guns n’ roses rule (or used to).

The rules have changed...

2007-03-06T16:18:00.000+01:00

I was watching TV yesterday night when I saw this ad for a meet-up site (or whatever they are called). In it, women are more assertive. They are the ones who actually kiss the guy, or take 5 condoms and give 1 to they guy, or the ones who forget the name of the guy they've just "met". At the end of the ad, the slogan "the rules have changed" appears in red-pink...

I love this ad because it's true that the rules have changed and more and more women are better in charge of their sexuality. I guess women are realizing that if they want something that they need to get it and forget about the so-called rules of "I will call him 3 days after the first date" or "I can only xxx after xxx". Who came up with these stupid rules? Whatever I say. Do as you feel I say. Make your own rules and break them I say.

So women are living it up and doing the first move. So what? Would men feel threatened because the hunted became the hunter? Would men be turned off because women are getting stronger and indeed are changing the rules? So what I say again? If this so-called man is feeling threatened or whatever, then perhaps that is not your kind of man. He is not the type of person that meets your demands as a woman who has decided that the rules have changed.

Some would say that this particular view of things "kills" the romanticism of a relationship, it takes away from the game... All I've got to say is: the game is still on, the rules have changed.

So ladies, live it up... don't let anyone tell you what to do. Do as you feel.

In 19 months...

2007-03-05T11:14:00.000+01:00

I've realized not long ago that I stopped counting the time I've been in Tunisia. It must have been a couple of months back... But in the past couple of weeks, a wave of nostalgia, has decided to hit me, so I'm thinking about the USA again... And so, to add some items to the list I had previously started, I decided to continue with my 19 months... So on top of that list, here's my update:

I've switched jobs
I got into 2 car accidents
I started taking aikido classes (again)
I have not gotten sick often (I suppose my body is finally accepting Tunisia)
I made friends
I've stopped doubting myself
I've gotten my migraines under control
I've lost weight and gained muscle mass
I've let my hair grow
I've held a baby cat in my hand (3 days-old)
I've not read anything exceptionnal
I've decided to be and I've become the driver
I've learned that words have many meanings depending on who's saying them
I've learned that if you don't stand up for your right, noone will
I stopped playing the guitar
I've become more zen while driving
I still get into fights when someone tries to cut me off in a line
I've made plans and changed them many times
I'm still not ready to have mini-mes
I still cannot grasp all the daily expressions
I still have an accent
I still don't give a damn :)

Prevaricating

2007-02-26T23:17:00.000+01:00

As time goes by, I find it pointless to deny certain truths about myself. I am what I am, and although sometimes I forget about it a little bit, I find that revealing some things are just ... well... a huge relief. Sometimes, the truths are there but it takes someone else, someone new to force you to realize them.

So there, I am what I am: a dark chocolate eater, a non-smoker (here that Heliodore? my high is natural!), a non-fighter, an Aikido student, a movie watcher, a pastry-maker, a lover, a cat fiend, an avid reader, a game enthusiast, a friend, a pragmatist, an eternal learner, a devil worshipper (just kidding... making sure you were still reading :)), but also an existentialist... I am a person who wants to just be, enjoys the occasional twix (thanks! You know who you are), loves pasta, relishes a pointless debate about anything, a seeker of truth, and did I say I loved chocolate?

Anyways... The point is: know thyself.

And for those lazy asses who are just going to wonder why prevaricating is without looking it up:
From Merriam-Webster: Etymology: Latin praevaricatus, past participle of praevaricari to act in collusion, literally, to straddle, from prae- + varicare to straddle, from varus bowlegged: to deviate from the truth : EQUIVOCATE, synonym see LIE

Fight or flight

2007-02-26T14:34:00.000+01:00

It's interesting how we all behave differently. Some of us will take a stand, while others will just go away and avoid some situations. Some will stand ground, and some will leave the dust behind them. I've not written in the past couple of weeks because there's nothing particularly exciting going on...

However! Last saturday, I witnessed for the first time in my life a proper fight. Fists and all. Kicks and all. Bites too. I admit that I was totally in chock. I shan't go into the details of what happened, but let's say that someone with guts intervened when everybody else kept staring... Anyways... The person who intervened, let's call him Pinkie, took it upon himself to stand up for someone else. Pinkie got hit bad, and frankly, initially, I could not move, I could not do anything because (like I said) I had never seen a fight before. Pinkie was on the floor and there were punches and kicks, and hair being pulled. All of this, of course, could have been resolved if the Asshole (the aggressor) listened. If he as much as talked, he would have calmed down...

This is not about the fight though... Or Pinkie who got bit on the leg (can you imagine? Someone biting you in a fight?)... Or even about how some guys have absolutely no balls... This is about how I just froze... Despite the fact that I've been doing Aikido (on and off, but hopefully on for good), I just froze. After 1 mn, I snapped back to reality, pulled some ears and tried calming down some of the people involved in the fight. I was talking and grabbed the hands of one of them, pressed gently and made him stop and relax... Did the same with another person, and that seemed to work too...

But I hate fighting. I hate violence. I hate conflict. I wondered then if the 4 hours I have were enough, if they are actually worth it (am I going anywhere with this? Can I help someone else?). Should I be doing another form of martial arts, something that is a bit more aggressive? More importantly, what makes some people involved and not others? Were the guys more aggressive because of alochol? Was a macho thing? I've been really thinking about all of this and I can't seem to be able to sort it out...

Thoughts?

Temptation

2007-02-15T13:28:00.000+01:00

The definition itself of temptation is (according to Merriam-Webster) something tempting... a cause or occasion of enticement. To entice means to attract artfully or adroitly or by arousing hope or desire... To entice is to tempt. The other aspect of this is of course resisting temptation... Resisting the desire or the hope...

We are tempted every day to do different things:

go through the red light at 4 am when there is no one,
have dessert every day,
eat chocolate every day and in the quantities we want (you know eat so much chocolate that you feel sick? i love that feeling...),
to be rude to a friend or a co-worker,
to eat or not to eat,
to have sex or not,
to cheat or not,
to be truthful or not,
to speed or not,
to be charmed by someone that you just met,
etc. etc..

Every day we are faced with these decisions... I am a huge believer in cause and consequence. Whatever we do has always an impact, be it on other people or on ourselves. If I were to eat and drink whatever I wanted all the time, I would most definitely gain weight. I need to resist the temptation to eat chocolate every time I see it. The trouble is that sometimes we can succumb to a particular temptation because there would be little consequences for our acti0ns. Or perhaps that is what we tell ourselves to justify what we want to do, what we desire to do... We tell ourselves that we only live once and f*ck it, so what if x or y? So what after all? We could be crushed in a car accident or trapped in a cave or whatever...

Why should we resist temptation? Should we resist temptation? Difficult questions... difficult answers...

Tick tock...

2007-02-08T00:29:00.000+01:00

It's the same bloody problem every night... I start looking at the clock, I start stressing about time... It's already 23:00 and I don't feel like sleeping... It's 00:35, and I still can't sleep... Time goes by and I need to fill it... DO something... This sleeplessness is driving me crazy these days... I can't sleep, and I can't wake up in the morning.

The worst thing about this (well, one of the worst at least) is that as time goes by, I start feeling hungry. That's ok you say, grab something to eat, make something to eat... But consider this: the contents of my fridge are : beer, juice, sparkling water, coke, milk, white wine, and oh yeah, eggs, cheese, and whipping cream... Somewhere in the kitchen, there are some potatoes that are suspiciously changing colors...They still have the ... shape...of a potato, but the color, well... Let's say that soon, I can make beer out of the potato.

So imagine the dilemma, and this is the bloody issue every night...stay hungry or make something to eat... The "thing" to eat of course is either something with eggs and the dodgy potatoes, or pasta.... or rice (I think I have some). Often, I choose hunger. Think about it... Hunger is good. Hunger does not make you gain weight. Hunger does not leave dirty dishes. Hunger is therefore your friend... But hunger is really a bitch because it keeps you from sleeping. So I end up making something... It varies (ooh la la, the choices, the choices!!!).

Tonight, I combined potatoes, eggs, cheese, and whipping cream... My thighs hate me right now, but screw them. At least my belly is full... and frankly, I'd rather have it satisfied. As for the dishes... well, there's always tomorrow. It's now 1 am, and I still can't sleep. I've gone through a crazy number of movies in the past couple of days... I read, I try counting sheep... Nothing. I've even started knitting... still not boring enough...

I am neither stressed nor fatigued. I've tried sleeping aids, warm milk, carbohydrates, meditation... I have these bouts of insomnia once in a while, and it's just a pain.

Perhaps I should harass the cat.

Decisions, decisions

2007-02-03T17:09:00.000+01:00

I guess most of us go through times in our lives where it's difficult to make a decision. Some decisions do change our lives, ones like which university to go to, getting married (or not), having a kid (or not), starting a job, quitting a job, etc. Some of these decisions are so huge, that they totally impact and change our lives. The decisions are sometimes irreversible and put us on a particular path...

The part that makes most people scared shitless is that some of these paths are just traced out in front of you... These paths are so clear it's scary. Knowing what's up ahead is very scary. Seeing so clearly up ahead is actually a bit creepy...

These decisions... this path that sort of seems traced for us, well, it's scary... And sometimes we are tempted to change roads, just to see what it would be like, if we chose a different partner, not getting married, or choosing not to have a kid. But... but there is always a danger in choosing a path. Wether we try to force ourselves out of the road, or stick to it, the choices are always difficult.

I guess, life can just be scary sometimes, and the knowledge that there are particular stages/steps in our life to take... well, that is just the hardest thing to manage.

What is a woman?

2007-01-31T22:29:00.000+01:00

I posted something earlier about the concept of being "a man", and I've been thinking about being a woman. After all, a woman (one should hope) is more than a pair of tits and a ... you know what. Often a woman is judged by her appearance (hair, nails, clothes, scent, ...) and her "attitude". It is expected of a woman to be soft and loving, it is expected that she behaves with deference, with grace, with softness... It is expected that she speaks softly, that she has proper manners, and elegance... and be sexy.

That is a lot of pressure sometimes... Because women are sometimes expected to behave perfectly, and if not, there is always the sense that women are not "performing" to their best... If a woman enjoys cars or chooses not to care about her appearance (by which I mean that she does not put make up on daily, that she wears pants, and wears her hair in a poney tail), she is considered to be manly, or not feminine...

A woman alos has to work, take care of her home, and expect to be paid less because she is "bound" to get pregnant (so much for human ressources... aaah... the poor employer loses 2 months of work). If a woman is sexually healthy (not shy about being sexually active), tells it how it is, is not afraid to drink, and speaks her mind, well... that woman does not fit the typical image. That woman becomes something else.

So... what is a woman? A creature that lives longer than man? A creature with a complex hormonal system? A partner that behaves like an angel publicly and like a devil privately? Why do we have expectations? Why don't we just deal with a person before considering her gender?

Saturday Night Fever

2007-01-22T15:14:00.000+01:00

It started with a simple sentence: “I wanna go dancing this Saturday”. I was (as usual) ok with that. I agreed… We decided on the place and the time… And on that delightful warm evening in Tunis, we headed towards the club…

There’s a bar right next to the club. We decide to go to the bar for a drink and head to the night club afterwards.

Then it started: the security guys started: it’s all full in there, it’s all full in there… We’re like, ok we’ll deal with it. We approach the place and some dude with a list that resembles the printout receipt of my favorite grocery store. He asked: Do you have a reservation? To which we answered: we have a friend who does. And we throw a name. The dude whips the “list” out and says ok. I very much doubt the fact that the guy even looked at the list.

We go in. We get a drink, we schmooze, and we decide that it’s time to shake it. We get our stuff, and we go to the nightclub… Then it starts…

Fist off (actually I should not be counting because there are so many things that it will get tiring for you and for me to enumerate them…), we are assaulted with smoke. We find a spot, put our stuff (that’s why I hate the cold: always carrying a coat and all that crap), and look around. The people on our left seem to have consumed already an impressive number of drinks, and decide to dance on top of a mini platform. So right to our left, my view is blocked by a couple of asses clad in white. The asses expand and there are more people who decide that apparently we are not there and stand right in front of us, hence totally blocking our view. Greaaaat… more asses, and not the tight cute ones, the big fat ones, the flat ones, the skinny ones…

Come to think of it, our blocked view was not such a big deal, because sadly for some people with low IQs (IMHO), a football game can impact one’s mood. There were many people wearing the jersey of a winning football game (not a final, not whatever, just a game), and screaming with joy and happiness (chanting more like it) the name of the winning team. It was frankly like a zoo. So, to recap (so far): the smoke, the fat ass, the blocked view, and the dumbass football supporters.

Next (oooh, it continues!!!), some people come to our right and totally block some of us from dancing… Great. They kept on pushing some chairs and there was no way now that we could dance… Anyway… We make the most of it. Tight as it was, we dance cause that is why we came for. Mind you, all this time, I have to admit that the music is very average, that the DJ is very … I can’t even find the word. Just below average…

And there, when we expect it the least, we saw buckets of champagne coming from all sides. Some football fans, apparently overjoyed with their winning team (in retrospect, I should check this team’s performance… if the fans celebrate the wins this much, it could be because they win rarely, I am just wondering, I am not sure). There was so much vodka flowing around me, that I wished I was one of the shareholders of Danska or Absolut. I wonder if it’s not too late.

Ok, one more recap: the smoke, the fat asses, the blocked view, the low IQ football fans, no space to dance, the mediocre DJ, and the champagne. Just when we were starting to rationalize about the situation and make ourselves enjoy the place, a random song in Arabic starts. WTF? And when it’s done, there goes another… Mind you, I like some types of Arabic music, but for God’s sake, please provide some songs that you can at least dance to. After two songs, back to the crappy house music. And what do you hear all of a sudden? The sound of broken glass!!! Some fans apparently celebrated by breaking glasses… I thought it was some Greek tradition during weddings? But noooo, Tunisian football fans have their own new tradition now…. They broke a bunch of glasses, popped champagne bottles and passed them around.
And finally, to end the evening, a fight broke to our right. A bunch of guys started punching one another, and thankfully security showed up.

This was all we could take, we left and that was that. There are many other tidbits that I should also provide: a friend went to the ladies room and told me that it was apparently the … how should I put this delicately? You know the oldest job in the world? The ladies who do it? THOSE women were hanging out at the ladies room, some apparently undressing…

Another friend told me that one of the young dancers (a male mind you) asked him whether he should put his hair down or keep it tied… At some point, I saw some guy coming into the club with Santa’s hat on…

Ok. I don’t think I shall recap again… Let’s just say that I will probably not go there again… Unless… I don’t even know why I would go there again. There you go… The high note was that we had decided to get something to eat at 5 am… We opted for “lablabi”, a very popular dish in Tunisia (basically, boiled chick peas with lemon and cumin which are poured on top of cubed day-old bread, with of course some harissa). It is always great to eat some, and it was a delight. It almost made me forget about the evening.

That was my Saturday night out.

Slacking

2007-01-18T11:00:00.000+01:00

I know, sadly for myself, that I am not the most organized person. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I'd rather (almost always) do something else. This organization (or lack of it) touches many aspects of my life... I make lists, I write down the things that I should do daily, weekly, or monthly. I do do these things for a while, and then... then I don't. I am not sure if this is due to a lack of motivation, if I'd just rather lay down and watch James Bond, or what... I don't know, and I seriously would like to change this.

There's always this conflict in the morning: sleep 10 more minutes or make my bed/wash yesterday's dishes/etc... The conflict at night after getting home after work: tidying up a little, doing the little house chores, washing the dishes that I did not wash in the morning, ... or... or ordering a pizza, having something fresh to drink, putting my feet on the table and watching some movie.

The conflict is always between what I'd really like to do and what I should be doing. And after a couple of days of doing what I want to be doing (which means slacking), I get fed up of the mess, and clean.... Because I hate living in a mess... I know it's a contradiction, but that's how it is, and I am desperately (well... it's all relative you know...) trying to find a solution to this...

Any Advice?

What is a MAN?

2007-01-17T14:56:00.000+01:00

I've been thinking recently about the concept of being a man... Man with a small "m" that is. The Male in other words... We have many ideas (and they differ from one society to another) on what it is to be a man. We hear many expressions every day about what a man does and what he does not.
For example, in Tunisia, whenever anything has to do with courage or the fact that you can depend on someone, you hear "he's a man" or "my friend is a man" or "truly he's a man". These expressions are sometimes even used when referring to women. So when someone impresses you, or does something that is unexpected, if you are a man or a woman, you will be qualified of a man.

Now... My question is: why? Why is it that all the positive attributes are attributed to a guy? Why god whyyyy?

Back to being serious. We say "he's crying like a little girl", "he drives like a woman", "he fights like a woman" and many other expressions... A guy is supposed to be strong, turstworthy, virile, and dependable. A woman (apparently) fights dirty, cries afterwards, and will crash into your car... WTF? These are the type of generalities that do drive me crazy.

I've heard of men recently with ZERO spine, with disturbing behavior, and with a confidence of a fruit fly. Generalities are sometimes useful and funny, but please, do consider that times have evolved, that today is not the same as yesterday... That women are present in different fields of work, and that actually, women end up working more because most feel that they have to prove themselves (and don't forget the housework!).

Anyways... End of tirade. Do tell what you think of these gender issues.

Taking the high road

2007-01-09T17:14:00.000+01:00

And then I am back, from outer space...

Damnnnn it's been too long. I had missed writing dearly, and I find myself starting little text files at work and at home and never publishing anything... Anyways, there is so much to do and say that I am not sure I can even go that far back (perhaps there is no point anyways)...

I actually have been thinking about the concept of taking the high road and choosing the right path (in a way). It is of course morally righ to do the right thing. It is advisable, it is better, it is the way to be as a "good" and "decent" human being.

However... Does it pay to be the one always taking the high road and doing what is right?

Ok, so I am saying things in which I am not totally convinced myself. But bare with me... listen to what I have to say.... One example, one very simple example that we all encounter in our everyday life: traffic/driving. Frankly, no matter what, I will respect the traffic laws, always use my blinker, and never switch lanes like a mad person whose ass is on fire.

I decided to stick (most times) to the right-most lane, and just cruise comfortably... I observe people around, and sometimes it's just painful. If you are the person that will queue, you will see some dumb f*ck come on the right most lane (the one reserved for emergencies) or the left most lane (the one that is turning left) and cutting the people in front in order to go first. They are behaving like stupid cows, but they get to go first.

This is just an example... But every day we are faced with these situations: having to invite someone because you ought to, having to go somewhere, having to spend time with x or z, having to pay some bills, having to forego something because... There always seems to be a "because you are a better person and it is your 'duty'" type of sentence attached.

Well... F*ck that shit. I am getting tired of this. Why on earth should some go by life living however way they like and me having to take into account all these factors that might or might not affect them? Why is it that some people always have to think of others. It is true that inviting one more person to a party won't hurt, or you giving your turn one time or whatever...

Anyways, I still am not sure what I will do, but I am getting tired of this...

New beginning... again...

2006-11-13T00:17:00.000+01:00

As I write this post, I am brushing my hair, and feeling the pimple that has just decided to form on my forehead. I just took a shower to try to relax, but I just can't seem to calm down... Tomorrow is the first day of my new job. I guess this is going to be my 3rd first new day in a serious environments. There were many others, but I think that those 3 were the toughest... anyways. My skin is showing signs of stress, and I am totally unable to sleep. All I can think about is my first day at my first "real" job...

I guess this was over six years ago. I remember that I had spent the evening before, a good couple of hours deciding on the outfit I was going to wear. I was going to work for a serious place, that employed thousands of people throughout the world, with many office buildings, and a lot of different people. I needed to make the right impression. I needed to put all there is to put on my side because I had started with a 3-month contract... Finally the outfit was picked. Finally I was able to get some rest.

The following morning, my stomach was rumbling. Alas, it was not hunger. It was good old stress that was taking a nasty turn and taking revenge on my poor stomach (it is always the victim of my uncounscioussness). I could barely drink something before leaving the apartment. On my way to the elevator, I had to rush back home and ... well... vomit. I grabbed some ginger ale, and headed back, even more stressed now by the fact that I might be getting late.

Half-way through the metro ride, I had to exit the metro, throw up in a trash, and get back on. My stomach was empty, but it was just rebelling. I finally made it to work, pale, shivering, and tense. I was fortunate enough to have a lovely older colleague who could understand the stress I was going through... That day went ok, my stomach took some time to settle, but it eventually did.

That job lasted me close to five years... I know beginnings are always difficult. Any "first" is hard, but such is life... I am sure that tomorrow will be great and that all this stupid stress will be remembered as an obligatory stupid thing.

Most of all, I hope that this job is "it" and that I will be able to actually have a career. All the signs seem to indicate that it will be possible. I shall do my best, work like a mule, and get to where I want.

Competition

2006-10-30T16:07:00.000+01:00

I am always amazed when during a game, or a sport, or whatever that involves a score to see how people behave. I have started for some time now observing people, and unconsciously studying them. I am not really quite sure why this happened but it is so and I am actually having fun doing it. Anyways.

There are different kinds of people: those who will do the strict minimum and don't really care about the outcome of their performance, those whose only purpose is to win, to be first, to be the best, those who try and just give up, those who are doing whatever they are doing for the fun of it, etc. etc... Many different ways of being for many different people.

The group that I find particularly interesting to observe is the super competitive one. This is the type of person that will take the activity to its utmost importance. A game of taboo or bowling becomes a decisive moment in his life, THE way to shine, and its life purpose. Okay so that might have been a tad exaggerated, but really, some people are like that. These people will take everything to the next level, will do their best to be the best, and of course to beat you, to squash you, to annihilate you. They will be pissed at themselves, will analyze the mistake that they just made, and try to correct it on their next move. They will also come to you for advice when they see how you suck. They will correct your stance, your move, and give you more information than you will ever need.

It's an interesting way of being. No doubt that most people in this category succeed wherever they put their mind. No doubt also will they be whatever they want to be. But really, that is not a category for me... It's not interesting to be that way because I think that you miss on the big picture. If you focus and put all your energy on just winning, you forget that you are actually there to be with friends, to have fun, to socialize... Of course, you should do your best, all the time, but really, what would anyone remember in 3 months? The person who won or the atmosphere and the ambiance of that night? Of course, this is "valid" for everyday life and events, not for school, or "real" competition...

Think about, in the game that is life, if you only focus on the details and forget about the big picture, what will you remember when you are old and wrinkled? Your score or the fun you had getting there?

Some lessons learned...

2006-10-12T13:57:00.000+02:00

I turned 30 not so long ago, and one of my friends asked me about the 3 past decades of my life: lessons learned, thoughts, etc... I think (given my nature) that I need to think about it more... After all, I am starting a new decade in my life, and there's no point making the same mistakes... Here are however a couple of things I discovered/learned:

- people say and do different things
- a good cure to insomnia is sex
- roses only last an average of 5 days
- often putting your foot down is the best thing you can do
- all parents are the same, no matter the culture
- a car is just a car, some are very nice, but in the end, it takes you from one place to the other
- finally knowing the direction you need to take in life is a great feeling
- doing manual things relaxes me the most
- reading is essential
- dry skin seems to be forever
- deep down I long for a more rural life
- cats fart
- being a readhead all your childhood and teenage years does not guarantee that you will keep the same shade of redheadedness once you are an adult (sigh)
- you can never have enough underwear
- The power of boobs is universal
- It's not a good idea to mix drinks
- I fear cockroaches (to a ridiculous point)
- Not all babies are cute
- One of the best motos in life is "fuck it"

More to come later...

Bayn el Widyen... An attempt to review the movie.

2006-10-11T09:39:00.000+02:00

Bayn el Widyen is the title of one of the latest Tunisian movies, currently screening at Al Hambra. According to the friend I went with (since my arabic is so-so), it means, "between 2 rivers".

The movie starts with a tense scene in a family room with people awaiting an event... It is then followed by a couple standing at the municipality, in front of the civil servant about to marry them. The bride is nervous, and is glancing at the door, when suddenly... suddenly she sees a man leaning on the door. She then proceeds to throw her ring on the desk, grab the leaning dude, and run out (while loosing her shoe, and tearing her pearl necklace on the steps of the municipality building). The bride snatches up the keys of the car that she would have ridden in (had she went ahead with the marriage), and proceeds to drive. The couple decides to go to North-West of the country.

The entire movie is about the couple fledding from one town to another, lovely air shots of Tunisia, and being followed by the bitter stood-up groom. There scenes are entertwinned with older scenes of the new couple as children (they are cousins, yuck) and then as young adults... They sort of explain how the dude needed to get out of the country (he "needed" to flee)...

Ok, so if I had to rate this movie, I would give it a D. The movie has no head, no tails. There is never any mention of the bride's family (I guess they did not worry about her), no proper explanation of the relationships between the bride, the groom, and the dude. The script was very weak (I was able to guess many scenes and many lines)... I did laugh though at the cheesiness of it all. There is a scene were the new happy couple (fully clothed) dives into the sea, and the bride is not wearing a bra :) There were scenes involving drinking, smoking, and even smoking weed... There was also a scene with a helicopter AND a train. I can't think of anything more to make the movie even cheesier... Do let me know what else they could have added.

I had lots of fun watching the movie, so did my friend, and we proceeded to talk more about it over a heated-up chocolate Danone that the thieves at Phukets served as "hot chocolate"...

Book talk

2006-10-07T16:21:00.000+02:00

I realized the other day that I had the gift of free time and especially, mental tranquility. My mind is at peace (besides the occasional panic attack about getting a job): I sleep well, I actually have interesting dreams, and overall, I do feel good.

I have used this free time to read, on average, a book every 3 days, alternating between English and French. I have thankfully quite a lot to choose from, so I don't even need to leave my place to replenish my stock (but at this rate, I might have to visit a bookstore soon). The 2 latest books I've read are "Nice Work" by David Lodge, and "Le hamac rouge" by Jean-Luc Payen. I have now started "Adam's curse" by Bryan Sykes. I tried reading something more serious, but I can't seem to concentrate. My book on "A History of God" by Karen Armstron and "Le livre de la méditation" by Al Ghazali are still at page 20 or so. I miss watching movies (since TPS is gone again) and since I've pretty much exhasuted whatever my local DVD rental dude has.

I am also taking advantage of the various cultural events that are currently ongoing in Tunis (isn't it bad that they are ALL taking place in one month? Couldn't they just spread them throughout the year a little more?) and enjoying different types of music and started of with an event at Dar Husseïn, with a Russian troupe Premiera, directed by Igor Dronov... I hope I will get to see other interesting things in the days to come.

Different times for different roles

2006-10-03T13:08:00.000+02:00

Whether we like it or not, we play different roles in life, depending on the person(s) we are talking to, or the situation we are in (one does not behave the same way in an interview as one does chilling with one's buddies). You are either lying to yourself or not realizing it if you disagree.

Sometimes however we forget that we are supposed to play a particular role, and we let ourselves go, and it's just sometimes too bad. It's too bad because we all have some level of expectations of our friends, family, and colleagues, and when they forget or choose not to play their role, someone, at some point will get a bit hurt.

It's not so much that they are "hurt" per se, but more disappointed... Disappointed because of the above mentionned expectations, and it's really a sucky feeling. That is why I am a big proponent of no expectations, but once in a while, that barrier or thought or mental rule is forgotten... It sort of happened in the past couple of days to me, and the entire situation just left me a bit sad....

'seeing deeply into the nature of things'

2006-09-22T17:11:00.000+02:00

is encouraged in the art of zen, says wikipedia.

Frankly, I don't know if that's always such a good idea. If I see deeply into the nature of some people I am afraid I will be ill most of the time.
Ok so I am exagerating a little bit, but just a little... The more I dive into people's nature sometimes the more I am sickened with what I see or discover.

I have, for one reason or another, some anger, and I have to keep it under control or channel in in a more constructive beneficial way. Perhaps seeing deeply into my own nature might enabled me to comprehend my state of mind... I suppose I should meditate a little... It can only help.

Quick updates

2006-09-19T15:25:00.000+02:00

Much has happened since I last wrote.

I am no longer employed so I am free as a bird!!! Quite happy and quite relaxed and cooking like I have not done so in the longest time. Trying out new recipes and chillin' like a vilain.

I am in a good, no great mood, no longer sleepless, and taking it easy. I am, of course, looking for employment, so if you know of a company looking for a project manager, do let me know :)

I am on the look-out for all kinds of new things and really, as I've said, I don't have much going on. The only things that are still pissing me off are the crazy ass drivers here, and yesterday, I was in a situation that made me open the window, scream at this stupid mofo 3 different kinds of obscenities.

I don't know if that made me feel better, but I had not been angry like that for quite some time, and I do hate being and getting angry. I screamed and yelled at the guy, and when I got home, I could not believe that I actually behaved in such a primary fashion.

Also today, I became an auntie, so that's cool :) It's almost actually scary to see the kid in his mum's tummy for so long and have him be right next to you the day after...

I am expecting other interesting news, hopefully not much venting as I have much less to vent about...

To Aimless: I'd love to get a cup of coffee with you! Do contact me ;)

It continues...

2006-08-22T09:45:00.000+02:00

Insomnia, that is... I am reaching a level where I think I will drop while walking... Not even time to nap as I decided like I wrote the other day to cook more. The only way I will cook is when people come over, otherwise I will have a yogurt or eat cheese or something... I rarely cook for myself. So I have been feeding many people lately and experimenting with recipes.

Those who know me know that one of my weaknesses is talking about food... If I find another foodie, I just can't stop myself. So here it goes (especially for running42k), something that I concocted yesterday:
Heat some oil with some sesame seeds
Sauté 2 diced onions
Once the onions are cooked through and translucent, layer thinly cut meat (half of the palm of your hand, with thickness 1 to 2 cm)
Sprinkle the meat with sugar (yes sugar, trust me - really ;))
Turn over the meat once the meat changes color
Sprinkle with soy sauce
Cook for a couple of minutes
In the meantime, blanche some green beans (either fresh or frozen) for a couple of minutes (this means cooking them in boiling water for a minute than putting them in ice cold water - to stop the cooking)
Dump the beans on the meat.
Sprinkle with more soy sauce
Add about 1 Tbs of mince garlic, cook a couple more minutes
Before serving, sprinkle more soy sauce and some sesame seeds.
Serve with jasmine or basmati rice...

Ok, now I am hungry.

Le sleepy... Le tired...

2006-08-18T09:11:00.000+02:00

This past couple of days, I've been sleeping an average of 3 to 4 hours per night... I am a little tired... and I think I'll end up falling on my desk one of these days if I don't make up for this lost sleep... Lots of weddings and celebrations, and they are never-ending. I am very happy for all of those celebrating, but it would be really nice if they could arrange for things to be friday or saturday night.

The worst part of it is that I when I do get home, I can't seem to sleep quickly because I am so tired, so I read a bit, which does help. Currently I am reading "A History of the Devil", a very interesting book.

I've decided to get back to cooking a little more, I've not been doing a lot of it lately because I don't have time, and I really really miss it. Cooking and baking always make me happy, and the creative side in me comes out. So there. I'll start hunting for more recipes to try, like yesterday, even if I was dead tired and in dire need of napping, I baked my first ever fresh fig cake. It actually turned out pretty good..

All for now, struggling to be functional.

Back to work, back to reality...

2006-08-15T12:05:00.000+02:00

So I thought that I would take a couple of days off to take a break from work and from having to wake up early in the morning... Wrooooong. I had not realized all the errands that I needed to run and all the little things in life that I had not been doing because I did not have (and still don't) the time to do... So basically I had a couple of days to jump in my car, drive around, drop and pick up people and stuff, doctors to see, dry cleaning, and all the BS that we have to do to maintain a decent appearance.

One occurence (well... many actually, but let's just be optimistic and nice this one time) drove me nuts. The banking system in this country is... retarded. There is really no other way of saying it. My money is at a branch that is close to where I live, so I go there on my way to work in the morning when I need to talk to my banker... Occasionally however, I have a hard time waking up (ok so most days I need to be dragged out of bed), so I don't always have time to go in the AM. There is another branch, of said bank, close to where I work. I dropped by the other day and asked to withdraw money by writing a check to myself.

She said ok, but when she saw that I was affiliated with another branch, she said she could not give me the money. I asked why and she replied that she did not know me. WTF? I then replied, you can see my balance, can't you? Of course she responds, but I don't know your habits. As bricktop (Snatch) said eloquently : In the words of the virgin Mary, come again? I did not know if I should have been angry, sad, both, or just pissed off... How can you not give me money when the balance shows right there on your screen? How exactly does the guy in the bank know me when all he sees is the monthly deposit of my salary and my different withdrawals? Which SHE CAN SEE!!!! argh.

So basically I was angry AND pissed off... Took my check book because I was so disgusted, and left. But wait, the adventure contiues... I made the detour in the middle of my errands, went to my bank. I did get my money, although nobody asked anything and the guy at the front desk barely did any checking... I then ask to see the "banker" to see why I've not gotten my login and password for my online banking. Aaah... He's not here, as he's replacing some other sucker in some other branch while on vacation. So what can I do I ask... You have to wait until he comes back.

I am so very tired of all this bullshit... It seems as if all the stupid little branches are each a mini bank of their own, which is so very primitive. Imagine you go to vacation, 600 km away and need to withdraw more than your daily or weekly allowance. What the hell are you supposed to do? Fly back to your branch?

Anyways... Deep breaths... Venting over. Back to work now.

What I've been up to...

2006-08-07T08:41:00.000+02:00

I had the fantastic opportunity the other day to meet a couple of TN bloggers and am very psyched as I met some great people... Frankly I've not been up to much lately as I could not break the routine of home-work-home... I always wish I could go more to the beach (as I said before, I long to be a beach bum), so perhaps I should start looking for a job that will give me lots more time ;) Somehow the thought of teaching and having 3 months off (and paid) is getting more and more appealing, but that is a long way from where I am now, and we'll see about that...

I just finished reading Codex by Lev Grossman, ahd have started reading The Brethren by John Grisham (my first ever book of his). I've been flaking off on my guitar lessons, and I have GOT to get back to playing...

That's pretty much it for now for me. I am awaiting new and interesting developments in my life soon, so I will keep you guys updated :)

Crashing and not burning

2006-07-26T12:19:00.001+02:00

Thanks to all of you guys for your nice words. The accident was much more felt by my nerves than by my car, which is now in process of being repared. So I did crash in front of someone in front of me not to be crashed into by someone next to me. Spent the past couple of days dealing with insurance and the person that I crashed into.

I am finally taking a couple of days off, and going I hope to the beach to swim, take photos, and chill. Toutou will not be coming, and I hope she won't attack the plants around the house to throw up after (in memory of Zipir).

I don't know anymore if I am being true to myself, or somehow due to sick circumstances and the way things are here, that I have to change a bit into someone a bit meaner. It's a matter really of not getting scewed over or taking it all in. I am still struggling with the choice.

Hope all of you guys are well.

As the driver..

2006-07-24T18:26:00.000+02:00

I've made new rules, and I will do my best to keep them. It is very clear that sometimes, parting ways is the only way, and the best way... So I am not forcing myself anymore into situations where I clearly am unhappy. That's pretty much the way it's going to be... It's not really "my way or the highway" but really "I've given it way too many chances, things are not working, I think I'm just gonna call it quits".

This will most definitely be applicable to all sides of my life, and again, with all these big decisions that I make/take once in a while, I have this enormous sense of relief. So that is that.

On a more sunny note, I finally will take a couple of days off this week. On a less sunny note, I got into a car accident today. What else? Lots of ups and downs these days, and I'm not sure anymore what direction to take.

People seriously need to get a grip here. It's unbelievable how childich they can be and how "sensitive" they are... or rather, they think they are taking the high road and doing their part in whatever, when in fact, all they want is to be able to say whatever the hell they want, for you to take it, and never ever say the same thing to them, because that would be "mean" to them.

The thing is, no matter how hard I try to keep my cool, I just always end up getting pissed. I don't know if I feel better really, but I get pissed, and in this country, one needs a lot of detachment (work, family) or ... or I don't know. Or you are pissed many times throughout the day like I am. The saying in Tunisia is "tirma berda" or "cold ass" (ass as in rear-end, not donkey)... So one needs to be a cool cold ass to make it... Still very much trying to do so.

Sigh...

In eleven months...

2006-07-10T11:11:00.000+02:00

I moved with my cat from DC to Tunis
I changed my status
I got a job
I learned to drive stick-shift
I bought a car
I scratched my car
I visited 3 countries
I learned to play the guitar
I got sick several times
I thought about moving back to DC several times
I had many fights with many people because they tried to cut me off in lines
I missed my parents a lot (and still do)
I lost and regained my strength many times
I had many migraine headaches
I doubted myself often
I started a real-estate savings account
I enjoyed good food at my grandma's and aunts houses
I decided to be the driver, not the passenger

As i woke up this morning...

2006-07-07T08:52:00.000+02:00

... i found myself thinking about the VW ad : In the road to(of) life, there are passengers, and there are drivers. I am not quite sure why I was thinking about, maybe because I've been talking a lot lately about cars and driving... Perhaps it also has to do with the fact that there is more thinking going on on being active or passive in life...

I wonder why we decide to choose the seat that we do : challenge or confort?

Ups and downs...

2006-07-03T14:54:00.000+02:00

are due to who knows what... Although I have a strong feeling that I need a vacation that would enable me to put fresher ideas in my head, and forget a little bit about town, work, traffic, and third-world mentality. Days are passing with any added value, so to say, and I am just paddling to stay afloat.

Just very tired I guess... Too much heat, no appetite, and nothing exciting going on.

Strength

2006-06-26T09:42:00.000+02:00

I am right now in a situation where I must pull all of my strength together... Where I must muster up whatever energy left in me to go on, but I just feel so tired that I am very much thinking about giving up. I am sooo tired, so drained, so exhausted, that I have this feeling that I am about to just cry like I've never cried before. It's not really in my nature to do it, but I feel the flow welling up, and I don't know how much longer I can resist.

Back to the issue of trust...

2006-06-19T16:04:00.000+02:00

The questions are: why do i trust? do i need to trust? can i trust? who do i trust? who can i trust? and especially, what is trust? and many, many more...

I won't discuss all of these questions (left out there for you to wonder, and for me to better define my vision), but i shall talk about trust in general.

I think it's difficult to trust because there is the inherent fear that we will be mocked and betrayed. The fear that what we share with one person (or organization) will get used against me. The fear that if you open up yourself just a little bit, if you provide a facet of yourself that you've kept secret, that the person you put your trust in, will ridicule you.

It could be stupid stuff, like sharing a fantasy, or a childhood secret you've kept to yourself, a dream, or a particular ideology. Saying it makes it out there and basically makes you "naked". Because also, in the words of Democritus, "Do not trust all men, but trust men of worth; the former course is silly, the latter a mark of prudence."

Of course, how do you define worth, and can you still find it?

Hot and sweaty...

2006-06-19T00:14:00.000+02:00

I was having a bit of insomnia the other night and I was watching, for once, television. There was a show that I started watching because they were talking about a book, Passions animales, and sex is always more interesting than some shooting spree in some dumbass movie.

So the guy was talking about his book and of course the different mating rituatls of animals, and the different techniques that male had to ensure that either the female will "retain" his sperm or that he'd be the only male to mate with her (hence of course ensuring that the pups are his). Some creature (I forgot what) apparently leaves his penis inside the female to close her up. A bit gross and poor little guy. One shot and he's out. The author (Frédéric Lewino) finally talked about the human animal and how basically what stopped us from doing a lot of things, was basically our created Taboos.

We have taboos to "regulate" our sexual lives and apetites and to somewhat keep us in line with monogamy and life as most of us knows it. Of course taboos differ from one culture to the other. I remember in my anthropology class some tribe in Asia where the woman marries the guy and his brothers, basically to take care of them. I forgot how the sex works out, but the woman could always get some, and I am sure that she could always find one who's not tired. The kids issue is resolved in a way because they are all brothers and so, sort of all theirs.

I've talked before about sexual morality, and the hypocritical mating rules that we have. I wonder how things will be in the future and one day the concept of "swinging" would become an accepted concept in our society. Perhaps a bit difficult, perhaps in 2 or 3 generations.

Don't take me wrong, I am not advocating open fornication. I am just saying, males or females should be allowed to do whatever they want without any judgement based on gender.

And to think that bees and ants have a queen that rules them all... I wonder what we human females need to do to gain such power...

But wwwwhhhhhyyyyy???

2006-06-16T08:41:00.000+02:00

I've gotten back to reading more about Socrates (his life, his teaching) and I find this man to be interesting. I've to say that I very much like his way and that questionning everything all the time is a healthy attitude in life.

I know that I would go nuts if I could not question as much as I do right now. I am often told that I ask too many questions and that I wondered too much. I don't see how anyone could live without questioning everything or without that sense of wonder that we have as kids. Why do we lose it? Why do we stop asking questions about the stars, radio waves, and wind directions? Do we really know all that stuff, think we know it, or just stop caring? Take all for granted?

Anyways... I was just wondering :) Considering, that uhum, one of my guitar strings broke, so I have more time to wonder until I fix it.

On a more personal note : the cat is still sneezing and seems to enjoy my playing the guitar. She just sits and stairs and occasionally jumps on the dangling extra string... Thinking of expanding my horizons and taking sculpture classes. Recommendations anyone?

Back with a vengeance : Thin rope

2006-06-15T10:37:00.000+02:00

I've very much missed writing, so I'm working out a system that should enable me to have a post every day or so... Considering that my insomnia is at an all time high and that my hours of sleep are shrinking, I have more time to think about everything and nothing and wonder about my life... Which is why I shall start by talking about the choices we make in life.

Everyday, we all make and take decisions that can alter our lives... Somewhat like the famous butterfly and the tsunami it created... Sometimes the rope is very tight and it is in fact easy to decide, at other times, it is loose and no matter what you will do, you will fall and hurt yourself.

Growing up, my dad used to tell me that in life, there are no maybes. You can only agree or disagree on something. It's not always very easy growing up, but I find it to be a good thing. It is good because you are forced to have decide. If you are unsure, it means you don't know. That's basically how I think now. Of course, often, talk is cheap, and in practicality, it's not very easy.

There are also those decisions you make that you know you will regret at one point in your life if you don't really think about their consequences. The frequent fight between the rational and the emotional often leads to troubles. Your head tells you not to do X behaviour but your heart is just too hurt and needs to do X. And we end up in situations where you do something that you are unsure of and in situations that are tricky.

It's stupid. It's human nature. It's life. The trick is managing those situations as much as possible and minizing the "hurt" consequences as much as possible.

I'm not quite sure why I am writing about this but I've been thinking about it. Perhaps just thinking about my choices in life -- working very hard, and if so, to what end, my eating habits, my physical activities, etc...- because I'm taking a closer look at where I am heading... Probably 'cause I'm turning 30 in a couple of months :)

Guitar, migraines, and trust...

2006-06-09T17:09:00.000+02:00

It's now or never... This is the only time I will find today to write, as I am taking advantage of "waiting" for the upload to finish...

I LOVE playing the guitar. It's totally cool and it's just superb to start playing and decomposing a song, note by note. My first lesson went well, and I suppose I just have to get used to holding the guitar and positioning my hands. Left is ok, but right is tricky... I've been practicing every day a little bit, and I am totally psyched.

I've been having ups and downs with headaches and migraines. I was hoping that those days were behind me, but I guess I am a little more tired these days and it's starting to affect me. I hope it will pass because I hate taking pills....

I've been thinking these past days about trust, and how much I actually find it hard to open up to someone. I always have this feeling/fear that I will get screwed over, that if I say something or behave in a particular way, it will come back and haunt me.... Anyways, I will have to write more on this because this is a behavior that I've had for quite some time and I wonder in fact about it... So more intropsection sessions are needed to come up with a more suitable answer. But to get back to it (as I just had a thought now), I think I cannot totally confide in one person only. It's more like different aspects of me are shared with different people. So it's like (in a way) not putting all of my eggs in one basket. Perhaps that's what I am doing...

Ok. The upload is over, so back to work!

Random thoughts...

2006-06-02T11:04:00.000+02:00

I've not had much time to write lately because work's been taking that time... Consequently, I've not had enough brain power to think anything but thoughts on clients, projects, HTML, tricky PSD, and the wonderful world of CSS.

I've managed to finish my book (Nostradamus ate my hamster by Robert Rankin) and start another one (The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents by Terry Pratchett). I realize I have somewhat of a taste for weird titles, and both of these have rodents in them... Just pure coincidence.

The only other fun thing for me is that starting monday I will start taking electric guitar lessons!!! I am very psyched about it and I hope I won't suck too much. But whatever my natural talent is, I am set on not giving this up, and being able to play 1 decent song by Led Zeppelin, and 1 by Pink Floyd. I am tempted to add a Metallica in the list, but I think 2 is enough to start with...

What else, what else? Having a sneezing coughing cat can be entertaining... Holding a cat down so it can get an X-Ray is something I will remember...

Back to work and I hope deeper thoughts in the days to come...

La coupe du monde!!! Ce qu'on peut et ne peut pas faire...

2006-05-24T17:10:00.000+02:00

Juste une petite blague... Faut dire que je suis d'accord et que j'ai tendance à avoir cette hatitude moi-même....

So here it goes...

Madame / Mademoiselle,

La Coupe du Monde s'approche et il est extrêmement important pour la santé de la femme, des fiancées, filles, amies, mères, soeurs, ainsi que la vie de couple, de la famille et du voisinage que les recommendations ci-apres soient bien lues et comprises. Le non-respect d'une des règles édictées ci-dessus peut avoir des consequences désastreuses et mettre votre couple en péril!

PRIERE DONC DE BIEN VOULOIR LES RESPECTER!

Liste des règles

1. du 9 juin au 9 juillet, vous devriez lire les pages sports des journaux afin d'être au courant de ce qui se passe et ainsi être en mesure de vous joindre intelligemment à une conversation. Si ce n'est pas le cas, vous serez totalement ignorée. NE PAS vous plaindre si vous ne recevez aucune marque d'attention de notre part dans ce cas de figure.

2. Pendant la Coupe du Monde, la television m'appartient (où à tout le moins celle qui dispose du plus grand écran) tout le temps sans exception. N'essayez même pas de jeter un oeil sur la télécommande vous risqueriez de le perdre (l'oeil)

3. Si vous devez passer devant la télé durant un match, cela m'importe peu, du moment que vous le faites en rampant sur le sol et sans me distraire. Si vous décidez de vous mettre nue devant la télé, assurez-vous d'avoir des vêtements à portée de main afin d'éviter un refroidissement car je n'aurai pas le temps de vous emmener chez le docteur ou de m'occuper de vous pendant le mois que durera la Coupe du Monde.

4. Pendant les matches je serai aveugle à vos gestes, sourd à vos demandes ou muet si vous désirez une conversation. Les seuls exceptions seront pour demander une bière ou quelque chose à manger. Pour le reste, n'espérez pas que je réponde au téléphone, que j'aille ouvrir la porte ou que j'aille chercher le gosse qui vient de
tomber du 2ème... Ca n'arrivera pas...

5. Ce serait une bonne idée de votre part de vous arranger pour qu'il y ait toujours une douzaine de bières au frigo ainsi que des snacks en tout genre à portée de main.Ne tirez pas la tête à mes amis qui viendraient voir un match. En échange d'un comportement responsable de votre part, vous seriez autorisées à regarder la télé de minuit à 6hr, sauf en cas de rediffusion d'un match que j'aurais raté par mégarde

6. S'il vous plait ! Si vous me voyez énervé à cause d'une des équipes que je supporte, NE PAS venir me dire "allez, ce n'est qu'un jeu" ou encore "t'inquiètes pas, ils gagneront la prochaine fois". Le seul fait de dire cela ne ferait que me mettre encore plus en colère et je vous aimerais encore moins. Souvenez-vous que vous n'en saurez jamais autant que nous sur le football et que vos "mots d'encouragements" ne feront que nous mener à une rupture ou un divorce.

7. Vous êtes la bienvenue si vous désirez vous asseoir parmi nous afin de regarder un match. Vous pouvez nous parler pendant la mi-temps, au moment du passage des pubs et uniquement si le score nous agrée. Notez que j'ai dit "un" match et qu'il n'est pas question de prendre la Coupe du Monde comme excuse afin de "passer un peu de temps ensemble"

8. La rediffusion des goals est très importante. Je me fous de savoir si je les ai déjà vus ou pas, je veux les revoir... plusieurs fois

9. Dites à vos amies de NE PAS avoir la moindre fête en rapport avec leurs gosses ou quoi que ce soit qui impliquerais ma présence car :

1° je n'irai pas
2° je n'irai pas
3° je n'irai pas

10. Par contre si un de mes amis m'invite chez lui afin de regarder un match, notez que j'y serai en un rien de temps

11. Les résumés des moments forts des matchs sont aussi importants que les matches eux-mêmes. Ne pensez même pas à dire des choses du genre "mais tu as déjà vu ça... Pourquoi on ne regarderais pas autre chose ensemble ?" la réponse serait: "merci de vous referrer à la règle n° 2 de cette liste"

12. Finalement, épargnez-nous les expressions comme "Dieu merci, ça ne se passe qu'une fois tous les 4 ans". Je suis immunisé contre cette phrase car après ceci, viendra la Champions League, Le championnat Belge,Anglais,Espagnol, Italien, etc, etc....

Merci de votre coopération

Les hommes (et certaines femmes) du monde.

My first scratch...

2006-05-24T10:22:00.000+02:00

I've been meaning to write about this for the last couple of days, but never got around doing it

Last week, I scratched my car. My car is about 4 months old, and frankly, I'm just glad she (yes, it's a she) got a taste of reality. I had this intense fear of driving in the beginning because I found myself in this new car (my first new vehicle) that was big and costed more than I had thought I'd spend. Of course, I fell in love with my car, just like every new car-owner and I was paranoid with scratches, etc.

A part of me of course wants to preserve the car as it was the day I got it, but considering the realities of driving (especially in Tunisia) one must realize that it is only a matter of time (just look at the bumpers here) before you adjust your tolerance level for these little "bumps". We all want to hold on to the new thing as much as possible. We just want to have it perfect for as long as possible. We want it whole and complete and shiny. However, by keeping this "perfect" image of the thing, we never get over the fact that it is in fact just that : a thing. A nice engine surrounded by some metal, plastic, and a great dashboard.

So basically, I feel relieved that I scratched it. It was my own stupidity that caused the beauty to lose a small part of its paint. And I don't feel werid have felt "ehh... what the hell" when it happened. Now I suppose I can stop (or reduce) the fussing.

La grenouille

2006-05-23T13:04:00.000+02:00

Je viens de finir la lecture de "La grenouille qui ne savait pas qu'elle était cuite et autres leçons de vie"... C'est un livre qui a beaucoup de potentiel, mais qui malheureusement n'haboutie vraiment nul part. C'est un peu un livre à la pop-psychologie qui donne des conseils pour l'amélioration de soi, l'amélioration du Ego... Olivier Clerc utilise sept allégories pour illustrer sept histoires différentes. Ces histoires sont supposées nous inspirer...

En gros, le bouquin est à lire pour ceux à la recherche d'inspiration, ou à la recherche de positivisme dans leurs vies. Le point positif que j'ai personnellement retenu est le fait que nous avons tous besoins d'être plus conscients.

Sinon, laisse tomber. Next on the list: Nostradamus Ate my Hamster de Robert Rankin

Sexual Morality

2006-05-22T14:25:00.000+02:00

I was having a conversation with friends the other day about sexuality, and how it differs depending on perspective, depending on religious beliefs, depending on gender.

What I really cannot seem to understand or comprehend is this hyprocrisy that is world-wide about women and their sexuality. It is truly an international way of thought that renders a man screwing around a positive thing whereas a woman doing the same would be a whore. Fornication, it seems, is very gender specific. A man is lauded for having a large experience... A man is applauded when he says that he "scored" after a couple of dates, but the woman is of loose moral fiber and promiscuous.

Why is that? Is that because women are to be mothers? Are we expected to be all saintly creatures? and yet conquer you in bed? How are we supposed to be both? What is this crazy duality that is expected of us? Why is it ok for guys to f*ck around? Is all of this related to religion? And if so, why does it apply just to us? I mean... WTF?

I've often thought about this duality of things... The reasons just elude me, and I wonder why it is that things are this way. I have always thought of this just unfair. I am not encouraging screwing around. I am merely wondering why it is ok for guys and not for gals...

The right to information...?

2006-05-19T11:23:00.000+02:00

What is your right to information in general? What are you supposed to know, and why are you supposed to know? Should you share everything or should you keep it to yourself?

Is it your right as a citizen to know? is it your right as a spouse to know? is it your right as a friend to know? is it your right as a parent or child to know?

What happens when you know or you have a strong feeling that some information is being kept from you? How are you supposed to behave?

Personally, I believe that information should be shared on a private level. Voluntarily. I am against asking questions because I believe that if you have something to tell me, as a friend, spouse, parent, you will tell me. The relationship is such as you should feel comfortable in sharing. This perspective is considered as wrong by some who think that asking is a sign of caring. Perhaps I don't ask because I don't want to be asked. I want to have the opportunity to tell you... But still, I wonder sometimes what is the best thing to do.

On a larger, citizen-wide level,... it will be another post...

The feeling that something is happening under my nose without my knowledge is a bit irritating...

So, would you ask or would you wait to be told?

Why bitching does not work...

2006-05-17T18:36:00.000+02:00

I was thinking about the different ways we interact, and the general ease for everyone to bitch. Now, I know it's an artform in itself that is elevated by some to great heights. But I am talking not about the manipulating-bitching, I am talking about the whining-bitching... The spoiled child bitching... The I-dont-wannna bitching... You know what I'm talking about.

Well, I admit I've been doing that a little bit this past couple of days. Then I realized that I was behaving like a stupid child and snapped out of it. In fact, it was a conversation that I had with a friend that made me realize that I was in a way just... how can I say this? I was just throwing in the gloves... that I was in a way giving up or in to various things. I've been capable most of my life to see the silver lining, to pick up and just conquer whatever needs to be conquered.

The point is this: no point in bitching when you don't want to do anything about it. Either you accept the situation as it is (which is a huge No-No for me) or DO something about it. My whining about why life sucked or why I was having a hard time getting used to life here is not getting my anywhere. It will only strenghthen the fact that I feel a malaise, that I am not feelign 100% good. So really, there's no constructive point in looking at things from the wrong angle, no point in sitting and just feeling miserable.

Change always sucks and is always difficult. But I have to make the most of it. The best of it. I have to see all of the different nasty moments as a learning experience. Heck, life is an experience in itself... I have to keep in mind the thirld-worldist mentality that I keep on encountering. I have to think of some as kids despite their age.

Sooo I will stop the bitching.

So friend, thanks. I needed the wake up call.

Control

2006-05-16T11:35:00.000+02:00

Lately, I've been feeling that I had very little control over ... over everything. I just feel as if life is passing, with me just living. It means that most days are the same, and that a part of me is just behaving like my cat: eating, sleeping, and worse, I get to work. She gets to lay around all day on my bed...

I wonder why I feel this way... Is it because of a general abandon from my part and that I let things get too far and out of my control? Is it stupidity on my part and just being overlty (and naively) nice that I get control taken out of my hands? Is my behaviour wrong and in need of adjustement here? I guess I need to adjust it... It seems to me sometimes that acts of general kindness and just a certain attitude is misconstrued here. It is considered to be weakness, and hence, people's perception of you change. They will go over your head when talking to the boss, or they will deem it ok to say whatever they want and for you to take it.

What the hell is the solution? What the hell am I supposed to do? Change? Become bitchy? Smile and hand over the KY? Clealy, I feel uncomfortable with the situation, otherwise, I'd not be writing about it, I'd not feel the need to vent... I suppose I need to be more assertive, and just beware... All is not as it seems.

How thick is your skin?

2006-05-15T13:22:00.000+02:00

Time and time again, I've had my skin here stretched, put to a test, and just plain abused. With age and time, I realize more and more that my skin needs to be 5 cms thick and extremely rough. I need to get inspired from those big creatures like the rhinoceros or the elephant.

In here, you have to learn to be abused verbally very often on the road or on the
street. You have to learn that people will expect to be able to say whatever they want to you and you to take it "like a man" because it is that way. The worst part of it, is I can most of the time take it, but what really kills me is that the feeling is not reciprocated. Meaning. I am expected to take it, but the other on the other hand will feel abused or attacked or whatever.

The other day at the post office, some asshole cut me off at the line, and I told him so. The f*cker actually got pissed because I asked him to stand in line. I offended him! Good holy God. Same thing on the road, same thing on the street where some guy was talking to me, while I was ignoring him, and when I could not take it anymore after 10 mns and told him to please stop, he felt that I was being aggressive. What the f?

All of this is just very tiring, because I expect (foolishly it seems) for people to behave like grown-ups, to be able to behave in a way that they expect others to reciprocate, and that most of all, they develop other interests in their lives so as not to talk about others'.

Shout out...

2006-05-11T19:35:00.000+02:00

To all my friends all around, I miss you. It sucks not being able to see you, not having you drop by to eat, not being able to get a drink with you, go release all that adrenaline with you, or just use your shoulder to laugh, cry, or empty my soul.

I feel the distance. I miss your presence.

Immoralité / Immorality

2006-05-11T19:01:00.001+02:00

I am reading this interesting book, "La grenouille qui ne savait pas qu'elle était cuite et autres leçons de vie" and here's a quote from it:

L'immoralité d'un jour devient ainsi la morale du lendemain, dans une plongée dantesque vers les limites inférieures de l'humanitude.

Loosely translated:
Today's immorality becomes tomorrow's morality, in a Dante-esque plunge into the inferior limits of humanity.

The book is basically seven allegories regarding life and the choices we make. This particular passage refers to the fact that we are getting used to more and more immorality and that with time, we are loosing our morality thermometer (in a way) because our limits keep on changing... The stuff that was not ok 20 years ago, is today ok... and so on and so forth.

I found the sentense interesting for its literary resonance, but also because I find it to be true. It is important and good for societies to evolve and to be open-minded, but we have to nevertheless keep in mind who we are, what we were, and what we are to become if we continue down a certain path.

More on masturbation...

2006-05-08T10:20:00.000+02:00

It is the safest sexual act... it is the most commonly know (and practiced) sexual act... Men and women practice it alike (although I wonder about the ration... perhaps guys do it more?). It is less messy for women... and very intense for both sexes.

Why do we masturbate? Because our sexual life is not enough? Because the sensation is more intense, more concentrated? Do we masturbate so we can fantasize about someone else? Do we masturbate simply because it is fun? Because we just can? All of the above? Because there'd be no one to nag us after sex and call us 18 times in 2 days? (I feel for ya Mat...)

Women, for once, have the advantage of being able to do it practically anywhere, anytime, without the need of tissue or napkin, or whatever... Heck, if you feel stressed and pissed of in the middle of the work day, or if you just feel horny, you can just go to the bathroom and take care of yourself (it's trickier for guys).

What else? I'd really like to know why you do "it" and how often... Indulge my curiosity.

Myriade de cadavres

2006-05-05T09:02:00.000+02:00

Finished the book "Asiles de fous" which I found very interesting... To see the different perspectives concerning the events of one day, and the different narrative styles was a good exercise in realizing how we perceive things differently, and how our thoughts are sometimes blinding us to see things the way they really are...

Here's a final quote from the book:

"Notre avenir n'est pas tracé, nous nous modifions beaucoup trop, nous sommes chaotiques, et je me dis parfois qu'à notre mort nous laisserons derrière nous la myriade de cadavres de tous ces gens que nous avons été pleinement, mais l'espace d'un instant, d'une semaine, ou de quelques années."

Cette citation est assez intéréssante étant donné qu'elle parle directement de notre identité, de ce qu'on pense être (et qq part devenir)... Elle fait référence à nos différents masques, et à nos attitudes diverses. En fin de compte, nous ne sommes parfois qu'un mélange schizophrénique... You'll have to excuse the mood...

In the meantime, I've picked up another book "Archimedes' Revenge" by Paul Hoffman which seems promissing... We'll see.

On a more personal note, it seems like today is going to be a crappy day with crappy weather. I hope it passes quickly.

Trade-offs: sex, career, and the whole shebang

2006-05-02T09:00:00.000+02:00

A slightly lighter post this time on the choices that we make in life. I was thinking about the little trade-offs we make on an every day basis, with the hope to facilitate or make easier our lives on the medium to long term. Another word for trade-off would be "settle" I guess...

You trade-off your smashing single life for married life to be with a loved one for as long as you stand one another... You trade-off having sex with whomever you want to have sex only with one person only because they know exactly what makes you tick... You trade-off living in a big city to be closer to family and to your roots... You trade-off a stable well-paying job to something new and risky... You trade-off buying a sensible car for a bigger one because this is the only time you will escape paying a crazy amount in customs...

We make these trade-offs because we make (I suppose unconsciously) calculations on what will maximize our well-being over the long term... We go with our brains because we think it more reasonable than going with our heart (feeling).

I suppose the ideal situation is to think reasonably about the choices we make in order not to have any regrets in the long term... not to ask those pesky "what if" questions... not to always go with our brains... not to always go with our hearts... not to always succumb to our libido... not to always be selfish.

Breaking up and masturbation

2006-04-28T09:02:00.000+02:00

A post partially in french, as the book I am reading (Asiles de fous) is in french... So here are a couple of quotes that I find interesting:

This one is about a guy who sends his dad to break up with his girlfriend:
Quand on sonnait à la porte je me disais qu'il avait la clé, et qu'après tout ce que m'avait dit son père, sa mère, après tout ce que lui n'avait pas eu le courage de me dire et qu'il m'avait fait cracher au visage par les bouches de ses géniteurs, je n'allais pas me précipiter pour lui ouvrir nue sous un tablier noir comme une soubrette de bordel.

This one is about the fact that all women naturally masturbate:
Toute femme est par nature onaniste, celles qui cherchent désespérément leur plaisir auprès des mâles sont des maladroites qui ne méritent pas leurs doigts.

Compassion: what are your reasons?

2006-04-21T14:42:00.000+02:00

A couple of days ago, I had a very intense discussion about the concept of Good and Evil... I said that I believed in basic human nature and its basic goodness, he said, without his fear of God (and punishment) he did not see why he would not kill whomever he wanted. Basically, he advanced Heliodore's comment regarding "La loi du plus fort" or "The rule of the strong".

I don't agree. But that's an entire other entry. The point of this blog is compassion, which without basic goodness cannot be. I do strongly believe that we can (and do) do things without expectation of reward (be it on Earth or in the Heavens). My belief (and perhaps I am naive) is that we behave sometimes out of pure desire to help someone in need of our help. We do volunteer work because we want to feed the homeless or remove the plastic bottles from the beach, not because we believe in God and that our "good" actions will get us in the door.

We see misery and hunger and we want to alleviate it because of a need, a basic human nature need, to nurture, to help, to offer one's hand. I do this because I can, because I want to, and at some level, because it is my duty as a human to help another one if I can (or help out an animal in distress)...

So, is the theory of compassion in a godless word possible or not? Share you thoughts and your potential cynicism... I'm all ears.

The concept of fairness (or lack thereof)

2006-04-18T11:15:00.000+02:00

Due in great part to my upbringing and to my perspective of life, I very much value the concept of fairness, be it related to politics, gender, pay, treatment, or any other thing really. The reason is that I am a strong believer in balance and equilibrium, and I do feel that one who leads a moderate life (overall, you can't be moderate on everything... you'll stop having opinions, and stop being interesting in my eyes) will have a healthy lifestyle.

You can't eat cake everyday and keep your figure, just as you can't occupy a country of years and not expect retaliation and regular explosions. Of course, the real question is "what is fairness?". Defining such a term is very difficult, and shall bring forth lots of discussion, but let's give it a shot. Fairness implies impartiality, and lack of prejudice or favoritism. It means that you will not think of your own interest, and that you will do your best to be objective and do things the way they need to be.

So why am I writing about fairness? Because I have been noticing less and less of it every day. Egocentrism and self-importance are taking over, and most people think that they are the wheel on which everything is turning. Not only is it at the individual level, but also at group levels. There are many many examples of the groups : a particular religious group that will be prejudiced and try to eliminate another group due to ignorance (Inquisition anyone?), or a government that will force its rule on another (colonisation in all its forms)...

Perhaps if we, at the individual level, make an effort, albeit minimal, we might try to make a dent somewhere that will have its repercussions.

This is not utopia.
This is not paradise.
This is a possibility that requires of us to make a sacrifice.
This is a reality to requires us to speak up when we notice such unfairness.
This is a duty that we all have to ameliorate our selves.

Because in the end, that is all that we have.

The art of covering one's ass...

2006-04-14T18:41:00.000+02:00

You live you learn... what does not kill you makes you stronger... etc, etc... All the BS that you've heard a million times. Those are some of the clichés I've been telling myself in the past couple of days, because it seems that I need to rationalize and understand the situation.

It seems that good faith will get you no where and at the first chance anyone (pretty much really) gets, they will fuck you over. Why do I say that? Because nobody wants to assume the responsibility of what they are doing or supposed to be doing... because, as I was told yesterday, "après moi le déluge" and "Akhta rassi we adhreb" which means "the floods after me" and "spare my head and hit"... which is really an attitude that I find deplorable and sad and just pitiful.

It got me thiking about all the creatures that do not think and that do the same task over and over again, without question, without worry, without thought, and how they seemingly seemed content with this type of life. If they only knew the possibilities out there... the knowledge to be discovered, the things to see, the foods to eat, the art to be appreciated, etc...

But then again, to each his own... spare my head and dwell in your "world"...

Robert Plant rocks

2006-04-12T09:47:00.000+02:00

A couple of you guys asked me about the Robert Plant ticket… I did write about it twice (link) but never followed up on what happened… I never did find that ticket! And still can’t for that matter. Thankfully, a friend’s friend got sick and had to sell her ticket… So one person’s misery makes another’s happiness. I forked over more cash, but hey, it is not every day that one sees Robert Plant. And let’s face it, I am not taking any chances in Tunisia… Decent concerts are only every other (who knows how long)…

The entire event was fantastic. Had I known I could take pictures, I’d have brought my camera. In the states, it’s absolutely forbidden… I should have known that it was possible here though… In any case, I got there around 8pm or so, and caught a metal French band, Adagio. They are very heavy metal, so you could see a lot of teens banging their heads with the music and screaming the lyrics. It was frankly heart warming. I am a sucker for concerts and to see so many people completely involved is close to being enchanting.

Robert Plant came out around 10pm or so, and the man ROCKS. He’s truly fantastic. There’s no doubt when listening to him, how this man reached the status he has. The great thing is that he did not disappoint the spectators… This means that he played lots of Led Zeppelin songs. He did not do “Stairway to Heaven” or “Kashmir” (post Led Zeppelin but with Jimmy Page), but played Black Dog, Misty Mountain Hop (from IV), Whole Lotta Love (II), and many more. I was so very intoxicated that I don’t really remember all of the LZ songs he played.

Since he started up a new group himself, he (of course and one should hope so) played a couple of the songs. The Led Zeppelin songs he performed were slightly different in their sound; he added a touch of his flavor, with a heavy dose of North African tone. I suppose that he’s still under the influence.

The thing lasted over an hour and a half, and made my week… I hope he comes back and takes us to the stairway to heaven…

In need of some light...

2006-04-10T12:57:00.000+02:00

So the week-end was mostly relaxing, said good-bye to a cousin whoÂs trying his luck and migratingÂ Comforted my aunt who could not believe her only child was taking such a huge leap of faith, chilled, watched some TV, and a couple of moviesÂ

In the meantime, as some of my readers know, went through my regular existential, once-every- 8-weeks, crisis. Wondering what itÂs all aboutWonderingring about what is important and what is not, the point of it all, the true meaning of faith, the beauty in wonderment, why are we the way we are, is there possibility to change, am I on the right path and when will I know if I am wrong, can I be a sheep disguised as a wolf or must I turn into one to make it, the beauty of body language, the theory of relativity, and how much it must suck to be an ant.

I need to delve more into reading to empty my head. I donÂt know if itÂs reading some Socrates right now that is filling my head with questions, or whatÂ Or that time of the year, questioning everythingÂ

In the meantime, have started reading ÂAsiles de fousÂ which seems pretty good. I hope it will bring some enlightenment...

Friendship

2006-04-07T11:24:00.000+02:00

The ever resourceful Conan sent me a link of a little video that highlights the friendship between a kitten and a rooster. They play together (more like the cat plays and the rooster does not do anything) and they sleep together (not shag, just sleep). What is interesting is that the cat actually seeks the rooster. It makes the effort to hang out with the poultry.

It got me thinking about human friendships, and how they are sometimes difficult. Is it because we are inherently selfish and only think of what this relation will bring us? Is it because we think too much about strategy and how we should evolve within this relationship? Is it perhaps that we are just too sensitive as creatures? Is it a trust thing? What is it exactly that complicates our interactions?

Can't we just hang out, eat, and just chill? Do we really have to think that some have ulterior motives? Why can't we just be like the cat and the rooster? Is our consciousness (in a way) killing us to the point that we are unable to just be? Is that why only children have decent friendships? And past age 10 or 11, it all just goes to hell?

Am I being too cynical here or am I justified in thinking that humans unnecessarily complicate their existence?

Just to be clear...

2006-04-05T15:22:00.000+02:00

I am not addicted to drugs or whatever... I am simply wondering about that point of no return, from habit to addiction...

Work has been interesting in these past couple of days. I don't usually talk about work in itself, except to complain perhaps about some bathroom issues... But lately, the situation pretty much requires that i write about it or i will go nuts. It has started to eat me up, and frankly, it ain't healthy to be pissed off at work. I am finding myself stuck. The environment is totally polluted as everyone is looking to discharge oneself from their duties, or to do a transference of their state of anger (even cold rage) on someone else... I find myself soaking up some of this negative energy, and worst of all, I find myself being angry, pissed, and just in an overall bad mood.

So I just went and relieved my soul to management, and I feel better. I don't know if much will come of it (I will wait one week and push again), but at least, they are aware of the situation.

Meanwhile, I am almost done with The Autograph Man. It took me some time to finish this book, and it's not for lack of enthusiam or anything, but just not reading fast enough (or exhaustion in general)... And that's it for me...

Oh yeah, one last thing, got another toy! I am the proud owner of an HP pavilion dv5036EA. There is now at home, a grand total of 3 laptops. Can you say geek?

Habit and Addiction

2006-04-03T15:36:00.000+02:00

I am writing again about habit and addiction because it is a subject that I’ve been thinking about often lately. I was actually wondering how the switch comes to be from habit to an actual full-fledged addiction.

Because let’s face it, the definition of habit is in a way comforting, but even hearing the word addiction worries you. You know it is a bad thing. Addiction implies an obsessive behavior, a behavior that is negative. Per its definition, addiction means "to devote or surrender (oneself) to something habitually or obsessively" (www.m-w.com).So how does the switch happen? Is it an incapacity to control a particular behavior? Is it something so good that It pushes to an excess?

One can be addicted to all kinds of things… a person, a star, an author, a concept, a belief, a substance… I suppose that as humans we are weak. We tend to succumb to one thing or another. We’d like to extend the feeling of pleasure that we experience thanks to this addiction. We don’t want to let go of this feeling because it’s like a ray of sun on a gray and dark day. It brings us joy, hope, and a feeling of ease.

Addiction does however have its dark sides, as it pushes us to behave stupidly, to ruin ourselves (be it mental, physical, or financial), and ultimately to lose who we are… All we end up thinking about is that ray. We forget that the storm always comes to an end, and that the weather ultimately changes.

the trouble

2006-03-27T18:14:00.001+02:00

The troube with habit... It is horrible. You get used to something or someone, or some activity, and you end up hooked on it... It becomes well... a habit, which is by definition a "settled tendency or usual manner of behavior". We acquire habits by doing the same actions, by becoming more comfortable in performing them, and by getting a nice satisfactory feeling. It could be getting the same flavor ice cream, or the same route to work/home, or being complimented consistently.

The trouble with habit is that it is good because we know what to expect. We know what's coming our way, and we're prepared for it. So when there is a break in that habit, a silence, no dark chocolate flavor, a closed route, we get a little stuck... a little disappointed, a little scared, a little stunned.

Habit is great, but habit really sucks. It tricks us into comfort. It numbs us. The best habit is NOT to have any habits.

bummed, bummed, and bummed...

2006-03-23T15:45:00.000+01:00

So I looked for my Robert Plant and could not find it!!! I am in a bit of panic mode... I will turn over the entire house tonight to locate the bloody piece of paper... I am pretty sure that the concert is sold out and I'd rather not fourk out 20 DT again (but i will if if have to and can)...

Lots of projects are coming to an end at work, so I am hoping that things will be smoother...

On a totally different note, I was thinking about fashion, and how for those that do follow it (make an effort to be part of the "in" crowd) just all look the same. My intentions were to write a proper blog entry on this, but I could not because I can't seem to find the time anymore... Now that I have this opportunity to write, and I'm just gonna go with the flow. So fashion sucks, and those who follow it end up looking like everyone else, some manufactured look by some designer... And the result is a bunch of personality-devoided people all looking the same.

That's all the venting for today. Thanks for listening ;)

catching up

2006-03-22T14:42:00.000+01:00

Hello folks... It's been a while, yes I know. The thing I wanted so much to avoid (routine) is getting back... A bit haunted by bad code and HTML going crazy. The best (so to speak) was dreaming about ASP errors the other night.

Took the weekend off and went to the lovely island of Djerba. It was sooo very good to just chill, eat, drink, sleep, and catch up on the reading. There's not much going on really except for work. There is this week, the guitar festival, so I will be going this friday to see Robert Plant, of Led Zeppelin (if I find the ticket... it's somewhere "lost" at home).

Otherwise, it's trying to breath a little bit outside of work, and explore around me...

Can you say "screw you guys"?

2006-03-17T15:04:00.000+01:00

Well, that's pretty much it for me... I am at the end of the week... Much in need to sleep, gaze at green pastures and eat (much like a cow or cat actually)... So this week-end, I shall do NOTHING.

priorities in life...

2006-03-13T16:23:00.000+01:00

so i was talking this past couple of days with friends and family about our priorities in life, and how they very much differ from one person to another... some people work crazy hours, others are content with the 40 hours... some people will interrupt their life to do charity work, missionary work, etc... others will put family before anything...

How do we come up with our priorities? and how do we determine if they are what they should be? Isn't it very possible that we are for example working too hard? Not thanking God enough? Not doing "good" enough (and by that I don't mean not doing bad, but consciously doing good), or ignoring other people's poverty or poor overall conditions...

Don't we sometimes stray?

Finally!

2006-03-07T14:44:00.000+01:00

Finally got some time to breathe and write a couple of lines... I've been swamped with work these pas couple of days and all the paperwork anyone can handle for all kinds of B.S...

Finally got my car yesterday :) I am very excited... I love my rims! I drove for almost 100 km... Getting used to manual shifting and having a blast improving my technique in my own car!

I started reading "The Autograph Man" by Zadie Smith. This is her 2nd novel, and so far, I am enjoying it.

after much thought...

2006-02-28T12:03:00.000+01:00

I decided, after much much thought, that whomever had a problem with my attitude can just f*ck off.

Now, I am not saying that there's not always room for self-improvement, but I will not cater to your inferiority complex, your unecessarily complicated vision of life, or your overtly sensitiveness.

So there. I feel much better now after getting to this conclusion. If you find offense with me, go see a shrink and simplify your existence.

Cheers on a sunny day.

Introspection

2006-02-23T11:31:00.000+01:00

I was thinking about how differently we can appear to one person or to another. Occasionally, we put on different faces, it's true. You behave differently depending on whether you talk to your boss, to your client, to your colleague, to your mother, to your friend, or to your aunt. We need to behave differently because each one knows us from a different aspect. In fact, the whole of "one", of the Ego is only truly known to ourselves. And in fact, do we really know who we are? It's a difficult question... it all depends on perception and perception differs from one person to another.

The concept of introspection is new and is very well... unreliable. How objective can one be about oneself? And why is it that if you behave the same way towards friend A or friend B, that A perceives you differently than B? Is it because the sensitivities of A are different from B? Does one need more care than the other? And if A perceives you differently, should you care?

Again, more random thoughts, and this time, on a rainy day... But I'd be curious to hear what you guys think, or if you've read something that you deem interesting. Introspection is all about perception, and both are difficult concepts to grasp.

Superstition

2006-02-21T11:07:00.000+01:00

I was thinking this weekend over the concept of superstition... What it is, what it means, and why we have it. Some of the things are common to regions, some are found in countries. For example, in the mediterranean, there is the concept of the evil eye. The evil eye is similar to being jinxed... it means that people, with envy (and there bad eye), will bring you misfortune. In order to protect yourself from the evil eye, you wear a pendant or a bracelet or whatever... Another concept in North Africa is the hand of fatima, which you have on yourself, and should be made of silver. In India, seeing a young girl in the morning means you will have a good day, whereas seeing a widow means the countrary. Some concepts are (almost) universal, such as seeing a black cat... or knocking on wood for good fortune.

How exactly did these concept come to be? Why should it be made out of silver, and how did the design of this evil eye develop? What is it with black cats? Does believing in one thing or the other affect you as a person? Is superstition like a placebo?

Does a string of bad luck means you are unlucky (and what is luck anyway?) or that you were "stricken" with the bad eye? Or is it just cause and consequence in some weird cosmic order of things that made things the way they are?

I am a strong believer in cause and consequence and when a random event keeps on repeating itself, I just wonder.

Perhaps superstition is a way, a reason for us humans, to justify the bad things, the random sh*t that hits all of us ones in a while. If it is a nasty day, it must be the evil eye, or the black cat, or the widow. It can't be because you were clumsy and tired, and you hit yourself, or a colleague infected you with a virus, or a drunk driver hit you, and it just happened to be you, not the person after you. And if it's a nasty string that is hitting you, perhaps sacrificing a lamb will help improve your karma.

Random thoughts on a sunny day...

it is over yet?

2006-02-17T10:30:00.000+01:00

I very badly want this week to be over. Haven't had the opportunity to even read other blogs or news or anything. Just work and trying to recover mentally and physically. I think I'm going to spend the weekend baking (it always relaxes me) and distribute to friends and family... In the meantime counting down the hours to end of the business day...

because venting is *really* vital