Anger

I started thinking about the concept of anger, and especially how to manage recently. I
found myself reacting a big hastily, and a bit more agressively than my usual self...
This lead me to wonder about the causes of my behavior, the reasons behind it all. It
is actually not very easy to determine the exact cause, or reason.

So i looked online... hoping that somewhere, someone, explained why one gets angry.
According to Wikipedia, there are 3 forms of anger :
"The first form of anger, named "hasty and sudden anger" by Joseph Butler, an 18th
century English bishop, is connected to the impulse for self-preservation. It is shared
between humans and animals and occurs when tormented or trapped. The second type of
anger is named "settled and deliberate" anger and is a reaction to perceived deliberate
harm or unfair treatment by others. These two forms of anger are episodic. The third
type of anger is however dispositional and is related more to character traits than to
instincts or cognitions. Irritability, sullenness and churlishness postures are
examples of the last form of anger."

So this at least tells me that I either am feeling tormented or trapped, or that I am
feeling deliberate harm or unfair treatment. Or perhaps, I was feeling a mixture of
these 2 feelings.

From personal experience and some retrospection, I know I get angry when expectations I
have are not met. But I also know that I do get angry when I care about something. It
is after all a feeling that enables you to know that something is wrong, or that
something is moving you. So getting angry also helps you stay on your toes (in a way).
I'm not sure how healthy it is, but in small doses, I figure, it's not bad. When I feel tired and blasé, I know that I don't care.

The issue I am having these days is not being able to always control my anger. It comes too quickly for me to control, or even try to do anything about it. I don't know frankly what to do. I don't know either why these days I have so much anger in me. It can be an accumulation of past events, and overall feeling of not wanting to give a rat's ass. But letting myself be lost in this feeling is truly awful. Because being in the state of anger means not controlling one's emotion, one's speech, one's body. Being angry means being out of control.

And I hate being out of control. So I really hate being angry. Exercising helps a bit. But I need to find something I can do, on regular basis, to maintain the zen state. I am hoping that writing will help me. I figure punching words is better than punching someone ;)

Lots

Lots has come and lots has gone...
I'm looking for ways to gain and retain my zen attitude (or zenitude as some call it). I have totally decided to get back into writing, because it seems that I'm not doing enough venting these days... and since venting IS vital, here I go again.

Dazed and Confused

I'm not sure what on earth is going on in my head these past few days, but am most definitely confused. I'm having difficulty seeing clearly, making or taking decisions, and worse, can't seem to act on anything. This does not fit me as a behavior and I don't know how to snap out of it.
Anyways... I am hoping to snap out of it and get on with life.

Choices in life...

I've just come back from an excellent week-end at the beach. It was truly wonderful because we were a group of 12 persons or so, and we were completely isolated. No phone, no people, nothing around. The person who organizes the whole thing is officially someone who deals with ACs. He started taking groups to beaches and the desert because he is very good at this (and he proved it).
This guy's choices in life, what he does, how he lives, and how he is, are quite interesting. He does not "conform" to the average 8 to 5 office life. I guess it takes some guts to choose to live like this, but he is living his life.
This dude brought me to thinking about my own choices in life, and the good thing i guess, is that i am always re-evaluating my life, always re-evaluating my choices. I suppose there's confort in knowing that it's never too late to opt for something else, and that one has the opportunity to steer courses.
Live your life... Be free.

Feeling blah...

Feeling angry and sad at the same time.
Feeling somewhat trapped.
Feeling sorrow.
Feeling pain.

Nice gals and guys finish last...really.

It saddens me to realize that bitches rule. I came to the realization these past couple of years that actually, those guys and gals who demand stuff, who behave like girly girls, are the ones that are actually getting what they want.

Let me explain myself... By nature, I am not someone who asks for stuff, makes demands, or anything like that. If I want something, I'll get it myself, or I'll make subtle hints. Subtlety does not work. Because I guess when you do ask, you make it clear what you want. When you just throw hints or stop in front of a watch, or camera, or dress, it might not be obvious enough. Who would have thought it? Consequently, you don't make demands... you don't ask for stuff but somehow you wish that the "other" will realize it and surprise you. You wish and biggest mistake of all... you hope. Hope is for loosers. It saddens me very much to say it. But it seems that the reality of life is not an ideal. It is not some sort of best scenario stuff. I give you stuff you like, for no reason, and perhaps, you will do the same for me because.... just because.

Well no.

Bitches, or those women who demand stuff before they get married, or after they get married, or while they are engaged, or girlfriends or whatever... well, it sucks to say it, it really sucks to say it, but they have it right. Like i said, being a loud mouth or marketing yourself as a friend recently told me, seems to be the way to go.

This totally changes my way of viewing life. It totally changes my concept of how one should behave vis-à-vis others, but I don't know... I don't want to be cynical like that. I think it's cheap and demeaning. I also think that it's unhealthy.... But ... but... i don't know.

A little of this and a whole lot of that...

I've been thinking about my blog for what seems like an eternity. An idea or thought would come up and I say to myself : I've gotta go and update my blog.. it's been forever. The realities of life are such that, sadly, time is not always on my side. It's partially a b.s. excuse because I should be able to find time to do the things that I love.

So anyways... here i am again, I've pulled myself from Facebook (one tends to get sucked into it, no?), and am focusing on my blog. So what happened to me since my last post?

- I've changed jobs (within the same company)
- I've gotten another cat (a male : Bruce Lee)
- I've travelled like crazy to the Middle East and other parts of North Africa
- Gotten a hair cut (twice)
- Have not taken much time off
- Have gotten *seriously* sick, and recovered
- Have not seen any memorable movie
- and finally... am starting now (finally some should say) to think about expending "family"

I hope more to come later and I know I've a lot of venting that needs to... well... be vented :)

Seeing the good in life

Hi

I’ve not written in some time, not because I’ve lacked inspiration, or lacked time, and especially not because I’ve not had the need to vent (it is *still* an essential element of my life). I’ve not written because I’ve been giving life, my life, some thought… I’ve always had these mini crises where I question everything all over again. A friend recently said that libras were notorious for being in an unstable balance (un équilibre instable). Perhaps questioning everything on a regular basis reaffirms my belief or believes in my choices in life, or better yet, they might orient me towards a direction that I might not have considered.

In any case… I seem to be rambling without really going forward in my writing. I guess, I just wanted to say, that sometimes, I tended to lose myself and forget the very same principles that I am preaching (to others and myself) : live your life, enjoy what you have, and just be. Somewhere between going to work, getting home, and I guess getting got in the rat race, I’d forgotten these very same principles. I am not sure how or why, but I noticed myself sinking into a melancholy, a sort of blues, beleaguered by an unexplainable dark cloud looming over me.

Frankly, when one stops and thinks over about one’s life, it is in my humble opinion, important to be aware of the little things that make our lives the way it is. The gentle touch of a loved one, the unexpected gift, the warm embrace when one is in need of comfort, remembering how you take your coffee, the squeeze when you expect it the least, the door being opened to you, a quiet afternoon watching a good movie, a great conversation that will lead you strictly nowhere, a book that will freshen up your perspective on life, waking up with the knowledge that the only thing you have to do is go to the beach .

There are really loads and loads of things that make our life good. All I’m saying is that we should not forget about them and learn to enjoy them.

This and that... General ramblings

My past week was quite ... interesting. I definitely did not feel the time go by at all... The week ended and all that remained was a feeling of satisfaction and beatitude. A lot got done.

My cat seems to have pulled through whatever was going on. I brought her home this past saturday and she seems to be stable. Not eating a lot, but at least, she's drinking water and moving around.

Finally got to go to the beach this sunday and disconnect with the world. I went to a beach around the area of Bizerte, and on the way home, had 2 excellent fricassés. It definitely hit the spot, and the beach/fricassé were much needed and it certainly helped get me started for the week. Monday for once, was bearable.

I took advantage of a cancelled appointment to sleep on saturday... I slept like there was no tomorrow. I finally recuperated and recharged my batteries.

Mosquitoes seem to have found in my body an intense source of happiness as the creatures have been coming to me every night now. I have over 2 dozen bite marks and it's getting to a point where it's intolerable... I don't want to have to shut down the window and have AC... I am checking all kinds of websites to see what I need to do in order not to be under attack... So far, nothing really great that I can do naturally (the solution of tobacco is not an option). If you guys have any ideas, please do share...

Otherwise, am reading a lot these days, but nothing of great literary value. It's all part of the summer/beach reading.

Dealing with death

I've not had to "worry" about death for quite some time. Two of my grandparents passed away when I was 5, and another when I was 10... Which means it's been over twenty years that I've not had someone I love or close to me or whatever pass away. I know that human and animal life do not compare... But I also believe in feeling close, whether to a person or a creature. This week, I'm having to deal with the eventuality of my cat's death.

I don't really want to think about it, but a part of me is not sure that Toutou is going to pull through. She's not been eating, not moving, not drinking, not anything. This is totally unlike her, because, despite her age (10.5 years), she comes to the door every single time I come in. She hangs out with me wherever I am at home, waits for me to get out of the shower, etc... I've had her for 9 years. I say without shame, that I love that cat.

She's been "hospitalized" for the past couple of days, and she's not doing well... The vet said that I should start thinking about what to do if she does not improve by tomorrow (saturday). I don't want to think about it. I know we all die. I know it's just a cat. I know all that. But... But the part of me that is rational is not strong enough on this particular issue.

Communication breakdown

This week at work, I've been surrounded by power struggles, back-stabbing, rumours, and all kinds of unhealthy settings. It's *unbelievable*. Personally, the whole "rat race" is not my thing. I strive to do my job well, I want to succeed, but I know my limits. I know that there are things I will never do and I know that I will not sabotage someone just to move forward. It's just not in my nature.

I just cannot for the life of me understand some people who have gone up the ladder, one way or another, and are perpetually anxious : they make the people who work for them miserable just to feel that they have power over them; they do not communicate with the rest of the team, they are constantly in meetings and demand to be cc-ed on everything...

Bad management is really a horrible thing. It just demoralizes everyone around and is so very counter productive. When you step back and look at the situation, you realize that people have not grown up, that they are still children, in a school yard, fighting over who has the most marbles and the most friends. It's so childish and so totally irrational... I've tried to explain this, to understand it, but really there's no point.

People forget the importance of communicating, of talking, of sharing ideas, of listening. They forget that by communicating, we move forward, we help one another, and we better understand the needs of everyone....

I shall leave you with the following quote :

"The crucial role of language in human evolution was not the ability to exchange ideas, but the increased ability to cooperate" - Fritjof Capra

Obligations sociales

Samedi dernier, en compagnie de ma très chère Houta, en sirotant une boisson bien fraiche, une conversation bien interessante eut lieu (du moins, on a commencé, mais elle a été interrompue). On avait commencé à parler du concept d'obligations sociales, de choses qu'on devait faire parce que "c'était la chose à faire". En Tunisie, il y a beaucoup de situations où on se sent obligé de faire x pour faire plaisir à ses parents, à son conjoint, à ses beaux parents, etc...

Parfois, ce concept (makkhidht khater as we call it) est bien parce que nous vivons dans une société qui n'est pas (encore) individualiste. On a besoin parfois de mettre un peu à l'écart nos sentiments pour le bien du "groupe". Nous tenons compte des sentiments des autres. Nous faisons des efforts pour que le futur beau fils de notre oncle ne se sente pas exclut, nous allons visiter, nous sortons, nous visitons, nous parlons, etc. etc...

Mais .... parfois, il y a quelqu'un qui est dans l'obligation de faire plaisir aux autres, sans que toutefois que les autres réciproquent. En fait, ce n'est même pas une question de donner sans recevoir. C'est vraiment le fait de donner parce qu'on "doit", de faire quelque chose à contre coeur, et être dans une situation inconfortable contre son grés. C'est pour tout cela que je dis : f*ck 'em. Rien ni personne ne devrait m'obliger à un age adulte et avancé de faire qq chose contre mon gré simplement parce que c'est "comme ça".

Ce n'est certainement pas facile par moments, parce que clairement on irait contré le courant... Et alors? Telle est la vie... Et si on ne veut pas finir comme copie conforme aux 10 millions de tunisiens, il faut avoir la peau dure et tenir tête. Like I said, ce n'est pas facile de se comporter comme on veut vraiment, et s'habiller comme on veut, et en fin de compte, vivre ou être comme on veut. Mais il faut aussi réaliser que nous n'avons qu'une vie, qu'elle est courte et instable, et surtout qu'elle peut prendre fin à tout moment.

Pour reprendre les mots de Renton (Trainspotting) : Choose life.

On why I hate pedestrians in Tunisia

This post has been brewing in my head for quite some time... I've been trying to find some sort of logic, some sort of explanation, something, anything to start explaining the behavior of pedestrians in Tunisia, but I just can't...

I cannot for the life of me understand why people would walk on the road, when you have a sidewalk. I cannot understand why people cross the road when there are cars coming their way... And they're not even running! They're just taking their sweet time crossing the street while cars are going 90km an hour. I just don't get it. I don't get why people choose not to use the pedestrian cross way on top of the highway, a thing specifically created to avoid accidents and save lives. And why would you walk on the street, at night, when there are no street lights, and dressed in black?

Do these people have a death wish? I suppose they are suicidal? Are they just plain stupid? What is it that can explain such a behavior? I really don't know. All I know is that I am terrified of hitting someone. It's always something on my mind when I drive, especially at night. I have tendencies to drive fast, and I am very careful with my peaks of speed, but that stupid f*cker who might just decide to cross when I switched to the 5th gear on the highway, is always on my mind.

Venting over for now.

Wondering about sexuality

I was wondering recently about what makes a person more sexual than another. What is it that makes a person appreciate intercourse, touching, being touched, kissing, being kissed, being teased, teasing, and all the other things we do? Is it something innate? Are we born that way? Do we learn to appreciate some things with time? Does it have to do with the number of people we've been with and what they've "taught" us?

What makes it that you want to just... touch someone? or be near them? Is it pheromones, hormones, or something else? Do we behave differently depending on who we are? Or do we behave consistently no matter who we are with? Can some people turn you on differently than others? And why is that?

I guess this series of questions, wonderings, is coming to me due to the heat that we are enduring, and the newly forming couples around :)

Your thoughts are very welcome...

The need to define or not

I suppose life is easier when you know what you are doing. If you're just throwing yourself (so to say) into something without knowing the potential outcome, you might feel uncomfortable.

Often we define situations, relationships, work tasks, etc... in order to not only know what to expect and what to do, but also to know the "scope" of what is/is not allowed. I find it that however, sometimes, one does not need to know.

Clearly I wonder about my behavior sometimes. I wonder about some choices and what pushed me to just go ahead and do something. But these thoughts never linger too long because when one knows that there is a finality to something, it's better to live day by day and enjoy the moment.

So... Defining is all good and well to know where you are heading, but allow yourself sometimes some "craziness" and just be...

Carpe diem.

Ouf

For whatever reason, my mood has been great. I don't know if it's weather, the air pressure, my hormones under control, the good sleep, or the fact that work is moving along nicely... I don't know. I just feel good.
One thing for sure is that the sunny warm weather is definitely helping, and the trainspotting soundtrack (1 and 2).
So that's that. I'm back into a better mood, a jojo that is more empowered, stronger, and freeer.

Life these past couple of days has been just moving along, with nothing out of the ordinary happening... Work, life, its troubles and joys, friends, aïkido, parents, kids, loving and being loved, crazy suicidal pedestrians, funny coworkers, and interesting reading (Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk) have been going on.

No particular life ranting or venting needed. I guess I'm zen these days.

It's weird. Lately I realized that I was experiencing many feelings in very short time frames. It's as if I were moody, and it's not usually the case for me.

I'm going through love, hate, guilt, compassion, and many others... I don't know why, I don'tknow why I feel bothered. There's nothing specific, and all is going well right now, be it personally or professionally. I'd like to better understand this mood and just aim at resolving it. It could be my regular existencial mini-crisis that I get twice a year... It could be just me trying to know where I am and try to better visualize where I am going.

But I don't really need to know. I just ... I don't know. I just feel restless.

wondering about passion

How is passion triggered and what makes it go away? Is it possible to keep the flame burning forever and ever?
I'm referring to either passion in a couple, or passion for a particular thing (a hobby for example). Is passion simply the result of curiosity for a new thing? The thirst and curiosity to discover something new?
How can we hold on to that feeling?

More on mood...

My writing has been sporadic these past couple of weeks. I’ve been here and there and spending a lot of time in the air… It might seem like I’m bitching about this, but I’m not. I’ve been given a superb and fantastic opportunity, and I’m doing my best to prove that I deserve the chance I’ve been given… But I do have to admit that I am a bit tired. I realized something today about my mood. I actually very much dislike being by myself. I hate it in fact. I hate sleeping alone. I hate eating alone. It’s weird because I seem to get more sentimental, or it’s actually more the fact that some feelings just come out because of the distance. Anyway… I guess I had thought I could be more by myself, but I can’t… at last, not for a long time. Thank God for comedy central…

Mood

Today's mood is rather dark.
I am feeling a bit drained.
There are things that I'd like to do and have not figured out how to do them, yet.
The music "Sur Le Fil" by Yann Tiersen captures my state of mind rather well.
I am in dire need of a hug.