Technology

Technology sucks. I only say that because with the onslaught of stupid cell phones, we are connected. Like it or not, the reality is that we are now totally and always reachable. One needs to actually shut the damn thing not to be connected... but when you do call, and you get through, and noone picks up or answers... it just makes me wonder... was it the content of the message? was it the time? is my phone functionning properly? do i still have a dial? or ... is it me?

Then i snap out of it, and realize that I am behaving like a freakin 16 year old.

But i still hate it when i cannot get through to someone :)

That first time

I was recently thinking about first times, and how it felt : good or awkward that is.

Let me explain : when getting back on the dating scene, especially when it's been a while, one actually forgets or does not know anymore the appropriate steps. How far do you go, let yourself go? How should you approach someone? How quickly do you call? Do you follow "the rules"? Do you go by instinct? How will I be perceived by the other one if I do x or z?

A lot of questions. A lot of wondering. A lot of sleeplessness.

So what exactly is the "right" behavior? Is there even such a thing? My gut instinct always tells me to just go with the flow. However... big fat however. Men differ : depending on country, depending on environment, depending on open-mindedness... They always freakin' differ. Otherwise it would be too easy, and probably not interesting anyway.

I am thinking about all this stuff. Trying to find the right balance of everything, and hoping that my gut feeling is leading where I want it :)

Giving it another try.

Hi. My name is Hager, and I'm not going to hold my breath any more. Here it comes people, here it comes.

Happiness

I had a conversion recently with a friend about the concept of happiness. It is quite difficult to define what it is. You know it when you have it. You enjoy it.
I figured there are things that make me have a particular feeling of well-being. this feeling, we shall call it happiness.

They can be

• very small : like someone calling me to say : I just missed the tone of your voice,
• touching : remembering how I take my coffee, or knowing what kinds of food I would or would not eat,
• surprising : receiving a gift out of the blue, without any kind of events or expectations
• tactile : a gentle squeeze of the hand, a touch on the arm, a kiss
• endearing : seeing how happy your pet is to see you
• giving a loved one a gift and seeing the smile or twinkle in their eyes
• ...

The list can go on. I just figure one should just enjoy the simple moments in life, the simple joys, and the different miscellaneous events.

Happiness is easy, it's out there. Grab it. Don't put rules on it.

Anger

I started thinking about the concept of anger, and especially how to manage recently. I
found myself reacting a big hastily, and a bit more agressively than my usual self...
This lead me to wonder about the causes of my behavior, the reasons behind it all. It
is actually not very easy to determine the exact cause, or reason.

So i looked online... hoping that somewhere, someone, explained why one gets angry.
According to Wikipedia, there are 3 forms of anger :
"The first form of anger, named "hasty and sudden anger" by Joseph Butler, an 18th
century English bishop, is connected to the impulse for self-preservation. It is shared
between humans and animals and occurs when tormented or trapped. The second type of
anger is named "settled and deliberate" anger and is a reaction to perceived deliberate
harm or unfair treatment by others. These two forms of anger are episodic. The third
type of anger is however dispositional and is related more to character traits than to
instincts or cognitions. Irritability, sullenness and churlishness postures are
examples of the last form of anger."

So this at least tells me that I either am feeling tormented or trapped, or that I am
feeling deliberate harm or unfair treatment. Or perhaps, I was feeling a mixture of
these 2 feelings.

From personal experience and some retrospection, I know I get angry when expectations I
have are not met. But I also know that I do get angry when I care about something. It
is after all a feeling that enables you to know that something is wrong, or that
something is moving you. So getting angry also helps you stay on your toes (in a way).
I'm not sure how healthy it is, but in small doses, I figure, it's not bad. When I feel tired and blasé, I know that I don't care.

The issue I am having these days is not being able to always control my anger. It comes too quickly for me to control, or even try to do anything about it. I don't know frankly what to do. I don't know either why these days I have so much anger in me. It can be an accumulation of past events, and overall feeling of not wanting to give a rat's ass. But letting myself be lost in this feeling is truly awful. Because being in the state of anger means not controlling one's emotion, one's speech, one's body. Being angry means being out of control.

And I hate being out of control. So I really hate being angry. Exercising helps a bit. But I need to find something I can do, on regular basis, to maintain the zen state. I am hoping that writing will help me. I figure punching words is better than punching someone ;)

Lots

Lots has come and lots has gone...
I'm looking for ways to gain and retain my zen attitude (or zenitude as some call it). I have totally decided to get back into writing, because it seems that I'm not doing enough venting these days... and since venting IS vital, here I go again.