Strength

I am right now in a situation where I must pull all of my strength together... Where I must muster up whatever energy left in me to go on, but I just feel so tired that I am very much thinking about giving up. I am sooo tired, so drained, so exhausted, that I have this feeling that I am about to just cry like I've never cried before. It's not really in my nature to do it, but I feel the flow welling up, and I don't know how much longer I can resist.

Back to the issue of trust...

The questions are: why do i trust? do i need to trust? can i trust? who do i trust? who can i trust? and especially, what is trust? and many, many more...

I won't discuss all of these questions (left out there for you to wonder, and for me to better define my vision), but i shall talk about trust in general.

I think it's difficult to trust because there is the inherent fear that we will be mocked and betrayed. The fear that what we share with one person (or organization) will get used against me. The fear that if you open up yourself just a little bit, if you provide a facet of yourself that you've kept secret, that the person you put your trust in, will ridicule you.

It could be stupid stuff, like sharing a fantasy, or a childhood secret you've kept to yourself, a dream, or a particular ideology. Saying it makes it out there and basically makes you "naked". Because also, in the words of Democritus, "Do not trust all men, but trust men of worth; the former course is silly, the latter a mark of prudence."

Of course, how do you define worth, and can you still find it?

Hot and sweaty...

I was having a bit of insomnia the other night and I was watching, for once, television. There was a show that I started watching because they were talking about a book, Passions animales, and sex is always more interesting than some shooting spree in some dumbass movie.

So the guy was talking about his book and of course the different mating rituatls of animals, and the different techniques that male had to ensure that either the female will "retain" his sperm or that he'd be the only male to mate with her (hence of course ensuring that the pups are his). Some creature (I forgot what) apparently leaves his penis inside the female to close her up. A bit gross and poor little guy. One shot and he's out. The author (Frédéric Lewino) finally talked about the human animal and how basically what stopped us from doing a lot of things, was basically our created Taboos.

We have taboos to "regulate" our sexual lives and apetites and to somewhat keep us in line with monogamy and life as most of us knows it. Of course taboos differ from one culture to the other. I remember in my anthropology class some tribe in Asia where the woman marries the guy and his brothers, basically to take care of them. I forgot how the sex works out, but the woman could always get some, and I am sure that she could always find one who's not tired. The kids issue is resolved in a way because they are all brothers and so, sort of all theirs.

I've talked before about sexual morality, and the hypocritical mating rules that we have. I wonder how things will be in the future and one day the concept of "swinging" would become an accepted concept in our society. Perhaps a bit difficult, perhaps in 2 or 3 generations.

Don't take me wrong, I am not advocating open fornication. I am just saying, males or females should be allowed to do whatever they want without any judgement based on gender.

And to think that bees and ants have a queen that rules them all... I wonder what we human females need to do to gain such power...

But wwwwhhhhhyyyyy???

I've gotten back to reading more about Socrates (his life, his teaching) and I find this man to be interesting. I've to say that I very much like his way and that questionning everything all the time is a healthy attitude in life.

I know that I would go nuts if I could not question as much as I do right now. I am often told that I ask too many questions and that I wondered too much. I don't see how anyone could live without questioning everything or without that sense of wonder that we have as kids. Why do we lose it? Why do we stop asking questions about the stars, radio waves, and wind directions? Do we really know all that stuff, think we know it, or just stop caring? Take all for granted?

Anyways... I was just wondering :) Considering, that uhum, one of my guitar strings broke, so I have more time to wonder until I fix it.

On a more personal note : the cat is still sneezing and seems to enjoy my playing the guitar. She just sits and stairs and occasionally jumps on the dangling extra string... Thinking of expanding my horizons and taking sculpture classes. Recommendations anyone?

Back with a vengeance : Thin rope

I've very much missed writing, so I'm working out a system that should enable me to have a post every day or so... Considering that my insomnia is at an all time high and that my hours of sleep are shrinking, I have more time to think about everything and nothing and wonder about my life... Which is why I shall start by talking about the choices we make in life.

Everyday, we all make and take decisions that can alter our lives... Somewhat like the famous butterfly and the tsunami it created... Sometimes the rope is very tight and it is in fact easy to decide, at other times, it is loose and no matter what you will do, you will fall and hurt yourself.

Growing up, my dad used to tell me that in life, there are no maybes. You can only agree or disagree on something. It's not always very easy growing up, but I find it to be a good thing. It is good because you are forced to have decide. If you are unsure, it means you don't know. That's basically how I think now. Of course, often, talk is cheap, and in practicality, it's not very easy.

There are also those decisions you make that you know you will regret at one point in your life if you don't really think about their consequences. The frequent fight between the rational and the emotional often leads to troubles. Your head tells you not to do X behaviour but your heart is just too hurt and needs to do X. And we end up in situations where you do something that you are unsure of and in situations that are tricky.

It's stupid. It's human nature. It's life. The trick is managing those situations as much as possible and minizing the "hurt" consequences as much as possible.

I'm not quite sure why I am writing about this but I've been thinking about it. Perhaps just thinking about my choices in life -- working very hard, and if so, to what end, my eating habits, my physical activities, etc...- because I'm taking a closer look at where I am heading... Probably 'cause I'm turning 30 in a couple of months :)

Guitar, migraines, and trust...

It's now or never... This is the only time I will find today to write, as I am taking advantage of "waiting" for the upload to finish...

I LOVE playing the guitar. It's totally cool and it's just superb to start playing and decomposing a song, note by note. My first lesson went well, and I suppose I just have to get used to holding the guitar and positioning my hands. Left is ok, but right is tricky... I've been practicing every day a little bit, and I am totally psyched.

I've been having ups and downs with headaches and migraines. I was hoping that those days were behind me, but I guess I am a little more tired these days and it's starting to affect me. I hope it will pass because I hate taking pills....

I've been thinking these past days about trust, and how much I actually find it hard to open up to someone. I always have this feeling/fear that I will get screwed over, that if I say something or behave in a particular way, it will come back and haunt me.... Anyways, I will have to write more on this because this is a behavior that I've had for quite some time and I wonder in fact about it... So more intropsection sessions are needed to come up with a more suitable answer. But to get back to it (as I just had a thought now), I think I cannot totally confide in one person only. It's more like different aspects of me are shared with different people. So it's like (in a way) not putting all of my eggs in one basket. Perhaps that's what I am doing...

Ok. The upload is over, so back to work!

Random thoughts...

I've not had much time to write lately because work's been taking that time... Consequently, I've not had enough brain power to think anything but thoughts on clients, projects, HTML, tricky PSD, and the wonderful world of CSS.

I've managed to finish my book (Nostradamus ate my hamster by Robert Rankin) and start another one (The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents by Terry Pratchett). I realize I have somewhat of a taste for weird titles, and both of these have rodents in them... Just pure coincidence.

The only other fun thing for me is that starting monday I will start taking electric guitar lessons!!! I am very psyched about it and I hope I won't suck too much. But whatever my natural talent is, I am set on not giving this up, and being able to play 1 decent song by Led Zeppelin, and 1 by Pink Floyd. I am tempted to add a Metallica in the list, but I think 2 is enough to start with...

What else, what else? Having a sneezing coughing cat can be entertaining... Holding a cat down so it can get an X-Ray is something I will remember...

Back to work and I hope deeper thoughts in the days to come...